


Destination: Rock Bottom

by L (bts_twins)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (somehow), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Decisions, Being Lost, Best Friends, Car Accidents, Caring, Character Death, Coincidences, Communication, Desperation, Family Issues, Fate, Friendship, Habits, Heartache, Heartbreak, Illegal Activities, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Misery, Sarcasm, Secrets, Smoking, Students, Sweet, Tattoos, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, drunk decisions, happiness, little details
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 04:40:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30134130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bts_twins/pseuds/L
Summary: What happens when fate, misery and summer thunderstorms melt into something?What happens when against all odds, you want them to stay?What happens when it’s 3am and whiskey flows as fast as tears?And what happens when ‘down’ is the only direction you can go?In the fifth story of an apartment block next to the playground, two boys are about to find out.~“Lara”, I said, “Lara these two boys are special and they deserve the space and sleep and time i will give them”~The inspiration for the characters did come from Haikyuu (my friend who loves the show), I just renamed the MC’s: :)Sasuka Kiyoomi - DavidMiya Atsumu - AidenMiya Osamu - Danny
Kudos: 1





	1. F#ck Off

official Destination: Rock Bottom playlist:

[The DRB Playlist🌪](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0YCvS0Cz4pb55zyF9YxEN9?si=AYtqGwukTPyARUkcsOGFQg)

  
“I do not understand why I have to be here.“

Aiden mumbled under his breath, his voice husky from the sips of bitter liquor he had downed just moments ago and his throat felt rough as he looked at his friends.

Mel, the oldest of them grinned widely and took another sip from the bottle of tequila they had all but emptied on their way to ‘Larry’s’, a bar located in the basement of a tattoo studio, the coincidental joined location having led to countless drunken fun trips ending with regret imprinted on someone‘s skin.

“Because you are our friend and friends go out to stuff with each other. To have fun, y‘know what that is Aid?“

“Oh fuck off Mel.” He hissed but followed them inside, walking down the slim staircase towards the battered metal door at the end of the hallway.

Aiden could only catch a vast glimpse at the familiar sign that hung on it.

‘Thrive on the vibe fellas’

Aiden did not at all feel like thriving on any vibe, especially not when Bo pulled the door open and noise spilled into the hallway.

Aiden felt the discomfort creeping up his tattooed neck as the mixture of mingling conversation, low pitched but pulsing music and laughter and the clinking of glasses reached his pierced ears.

It was not necessarily that he didn’t like the bar; he quite enjoyed the dim lights casting only vague shadows across the wooden floor that had all kinds of spots on it, tinting the black leather of the sitting booths to their left a shade lighter and clashing with the neon sign from the bar to their right.

He saw that it was quite busy tonight and that‘s what made his fingers tingle and the very tips of his lips pull down.

The uneasiness wouldn’t let itself be shaken off and so Aiden felt the first throbs of a headache lingering at the back of his head when he stepped to the bar to their right and ordered a whiskey on rocks, suddenly craving more liquor to numb the discomfort he felt.

He was sure the blue light that reflected off the high glass shelves made his face look eerie and off, likely causing his cheekbones to stand out and his jaw to look even stronger than it already did while his thick eyebrows would cast a shadow over his slim, glacier blue eyes.

The bartender did not bother though and just finished his drink so he could return to his friends, their group having located at the same sitting booth as always, the closest to the wooden stage at the very back of the room, right across from the door they had come in.

He slid down onto the bench next to Mel and heard the leather creak under his weight.

He leaned back and pulled the brim of his beanie hat lower onto his brow, almost entirely hiding away his outgrown black hair.

He looked at the friends, his friends, that had dragged him here, one by one due to the lack of anything else of interest in his vision.

Mel, sitting right beside him, was the eldest of them and probably the most fun if he thought about it.

Mel always knew a joke to crack, a way to make him open up about something that heavied his mind and yet, Mel was their safety net and protection.

Bo on the other hand was, much like him, very introverted but more in a quietly observing, intellectual way, a stark contrast to the brooding he liked to fall into and that caused him to block his surroundings out.

His gaze zoned out and his vision was blurry until the dirty laughter of the fourth member of their group parted his lips into a crooked grin and he lazily shifted his gaze to Fairy.

Of course, that wasn’t her actual name but her hate about her birth name had made them all forget about it.

She was quite the complete opposite of a fairy, her hair a deep, almost black shade of purple that fell around her slim face in crazy curls.

She would have been the perfect ‘It-Girl’ if it wasn‘t for her curvy body to be a piece of art itself.

Her slim arms, exposed by the pitch black tube top she was wearing, were covered in black ink all the way down to her wrists and even spilling onto her knuckles.

Aiden felt incredible admiration and respect for her because he knew why and how she used this form of self-expression.

He could only have been looking at her for a few seconds until she caught his gaze and he could see the mischief dripping from her dark brown eyes when she said:

“Next round is on Aid cause he‘s zoning off while looking at me and it‘s fuckin alien when he does.“

He broke out into a full grin at this and leaned forward to engage with her properly.

He knew that this would only give her more chances of calling him out because that girl could read him like a book.

He liked to think he knew perfectly how to lock up everything inside of him so nobody could do more than take a wild guess at what he felt, thought, did, but Fairy was clever.

‘Street smart’ as many would call her and he knew more than probably anyone else how true that was.

She scared him because they were close in a way he was to no one else.

“Fine, Fairy, I can afford y’alls cheap ass drink choices no problem.”

He teased and without missing a beat she said:

“I’ll ask Lu to give me the most expensive shit they offer just to make you pay.”

“Love you too Fay.”

She laughed again, less dirty than last time but still rough enough to be pleasing to his ears.

“I know you do” She teased and stretched her hand out to poke his cheek with her perfect black acrylics.

He would have retorted something further but she seemed happy with just giving his skin a soft touch and he knew better than to chase the sudden, momentary vulnerability out of her eyes and off her full lips again.

The group fell into silence after this, just relaxing in the comfort that the four of them built around each other, a protection provided by the oiled and well-crafted machine and system they were until Lu, the waitress, asked for their drinks and brought them over only minutes after.

“What shall we toast to?” Mel asked and raised the glass, the ice cubes clinking against the square glass.

“I am tempted to say something stupid or sappy but let’s just say Cheers to a good night with friends and a good time, ‘Ocean’s Drop’ is playing tonight so we are in for a nice night out.”

“I can toast to that” Bo agreed, raised cocktail glass meeting Mel’s, and Aiden and Fairy were quick to join.

“Cheers” they mumbled out together and each downed most of their drinks.

It was only a bit later, though time was slowly losing its relevance down here, when the lead singer of ‘Ocean’s Drop’, David, stepped on stage and spoke into the microphone.

“Night fellas, we are gonna be up in a sec so get ready for a good time.”

His voice toned around the room at a medium volume and sounded rather pleasing to Aiden’s ears.

It had something warm and genuine to it and lacked all the cool distance that he often found in people these days.

He had heard the small indie alternative band play before but it had truly been a while so he found himself anticipating their songs and the way David’s voice would sound strung together with beat and melody.

David had been right and the four members of ‘Ocean’s Drop’ stepped onto the stage and took their spots on simple bar stools and their instruments in their hands.

“Hi everyone, we are Ocean’s Drop and we are gonna play for you tonight. Enjoy your time.” David announced before he looked at the other boys, gave them a curt nod that looked vaguely grim to Aiden for a reason he didn’t understand quite yet, and then they started playing their set.

Over the course of the night, Aiden found that despite their main genre being indie, they had slipped samples and elements of other music into their songs which made them fun and exciting to listen to.

The four of them were having a good time, his friends getting more and more tipsy the longer they were in each other’s company and their conversation was flowing easy off of loosened tongues.

Aiden engaged with them more than he usually did in these nights which he blamed on the effect of his drinks that bubbled through his veins and made his vision slower than his eyes but he knew better than to go further than that.

There was no actual way in hell he would give in to a loss of control over his thoughts, words and body in a place other than his living room.

Aiden simply hated not being able to fully oversee anything anyone did, especially not himself.

Some would say he was obsessed with power and that he was no fun if he constantly tried to predict what people around him did but he had learned that anything else was no good for him.

So he stuck with ice water for the last couple of songs and soon, the tension in his stomach told him he‘d need to excuse himself to the restroom before the band‘s encore had ended.

His friends only vaguely noticed his leaving and he let a small smile slip onto his lips as he looked at their red faces before he turned around and walked behind the stage to go relieve himself.

It only took him a minute or two to do so but he spent at least the same amount of time just leaning against the tiled wall across from the sinks to breathe clean air and only be surrounded by the sound of the A/C.

His face in the mirror looked tired but not swollen or red from the alcohol and he fixed his long, black sleeves and the wide black flanel he was wearing so most of his arm and neck tattoos were covered.

It wasn’t that he bothered what people thought about him, not at all, but it wasn’t strangers‘ business what he had written on his skin and then judged him with their stares alone.

Call it petty but he avoided all kinds and forms of attention when and wherever he could.

He sighed and pushed his tall body off the wall again so he could return to his friends, he supposed he should keep an eye on them before they ended up making decisions they wouldn’t have one or two glasses ago.

He pushed the door open and stepped into the darkness of the hallway again, his eyes needing several seconds to adjust to the lack of light whereas his ears already told him that the band was apparently done playing their set, because he could hear a random playlist spill out of the speakers that were installed even back here.

He already turned away to go back into the main area when his audible assumption about the band got proven right, because he could see them down the other end of the hallway, apparently standing between the stairs leading up to the stage and the small equipment room that bands and singers could use when they had a gig.

Aiden both knew better and didn’t bother to eavesdrop on random stranger‘s conversations but the aggressive tension that reached him made something inside of him become concerned and he leaned back against the wall.

He didn’t know why he suddenly worried about random guys that he had nothing to do with but it didn’t take him that long to realize they were having a fight.

A heavy one if the deep and rough voices were anything to go by.

“Dave, that’s not how it works.”

One of them said, pushing his almost white-ish blonde hair back as he looked down at the lead singer.

“I don’t get it, Jason, what happened for you, literally all of you, to change your mind about… everything?“

He asked and Aiden could hear the pain and despair beneath his sneer.

“Dave, we thought we were all on the same page here, y’know, you can’t spend the rest of your life playing gigs in basements. This was a really fun college thing to do and all but… grow up man.”

The other retorted, obviously unnerved by David and his arguing because he just didn’t stop.

“So that’s all we were to you, J, that’s the truth? A fucking fun thing to do and now you’re gonna be an adult?”

“David you are overreacting. I am not the man who has their daddy pay for me studying law! Law, David! When college is over we all needa get jobs, we don’t have fancy ass family paying for every step we do.”

David’s body halted for a second and he stopped pacing around, apparently contemplating whether to jump his bandmate or break down on the spot.

Aiden didn’t understand why the other boy was so crazily upset.

Though his band was apparently splitting apart in the very second, he seemed to have a good and secure future ahead of him, at least according to the Jason guy, and Aiden found that he started to dislike David for his exaggerated antics and his utter naïveté . 

“You damn well know that that’s not true at all Jason. This band and the music are my life and you of all people should know that. Why do you wanna be an adult so bad? Just because your-”

“Stop right fucking now David or you are not gonna go study anything after I am done wih you.” Jason spat out and closed the distance between him and David so fast that Aiden would have missed the movement if he’d blinked.

He had cornered the singer between the concrete wall and his own very well-built body and towered over David, the difference of power and strength painfully obvious.

Even David seemed to have snapped out of his spiralling rage as that situation had drastically changed and Aiden felt as if the temperature in the hallway had dramatically dropped.

The lack of any further conversation, well, exchange of words, between David and Jason hung heavily in the air of the dark hallway and Aiden felt the discomfort coming off the weird pair in heavy waves.

He feared that David was going to make a very unfortunate choice any second from now but after several more moments of staring at his bandmate, he dropped his head low, hair hanging before his eyes and he nodded, causing Jason to hastily step away from him as if he’d burn himself if he was close to the singer for longer than necessary.

“Good.” Jason said, his hard voice not sounding as if anything was even remotely good but who was he to question him.

David didn’t respond and just slumped against the wall, all energy and tension falling from his body and Aiden had a feeling he just witnessed the other man break, shatter apart like a glass bottle slammed against the hard edge of a table.

Jason stepped into the band room and one of the other guys followed him immediately, very obviously relieved that the situation was over.

The other one lingered a few moments longer and Aiden supposed he could have found a mixture of pity and sadness darkening his features if there had been more light.

He was gonna leave now, knowing it was the best moment to do so but the bandmate speaking up stopped his movements before he’d even taken a step.

“Jason cancelled the rent contract for the end of the month, Dave, we are all moving out. He mentioned that you’d surely find someplace to live.”

“That absolute egocentric asshole” was all David snapped but he seemed too worn out and tired to go off on his bandmate too so that boy took his chance and disappeared into the band room as well, the door closing with a deafening ‘thud’.

He had the feeling that the physical door was not the only one that had fallen shut in this moment.

Forever.

Considering the fact that Aiden had only stayed to potentially step into a fist fight, he had accidentally witnessed a more intimate and emotional disagreement and he felt lingering discomfort all around him, making him turn and slowly walk back to the main room.

“What the fuck dude.”

Was what he heard just a moment before he could disappear around the corner.

His shoulders flinched up towards his ears as he recognized David’s voice and he slowly turned around to the other man, internally wincing because he had been stopped on his way to walking away as a witness that nobody should have known about.

“Yeah…” He mumbled and met David’s gaze as the man quickly walked down the hallway with big steps.

The time it took him to reach Aiden gave him the chance to quickly observe the singer and his appearance.

He had seen him on stage just about 10 minutes ago but he found more details this close up but he wasn’t surprised by what David looked like.

He had hazel hair that fell all across the top of his head in tight little curls and Aiden couldn’t tell for sure if it was styled that way or natural.

David seemed to have a more feminine face than Aiden had thought until now, the corners and edges of his features having a certain softness to them, the curve of his jaw and the tip of his nose being smooth and round instead of hard and sharp and so were his lips.

Aiden only casted his gaze over them but he found that they were full and a soft shade of pink that left him wondering if the other used colored lip balm.

His clothes were no surprise to him, he was wearing khaki pants that were just a little too big on his legs paired with a plain olive green shirt and a ridiculously high number of necklaces that dangled around his neck, some pushed under his shirt and some falling over his chest.

His outfit was rounded off with a huge, bleached jeans jacket that had fur on the cuffs and around the neck.

Fancy. Did the rich daddy pay for that?

Just when David came to a halt before him, he saw the light from behind himself reflecting in several ear piercings.

“Now why the fuck were you eavesdropping on that right there? Who are you?”

Usually, Aiden was not the aggressive type, not at all. He liked to keep his opinion to himself, especially in moments of rage, because blurting it out on the spot never solved the problems at hand.

But the oblivion and ignorance he had witnessed in David and his arguments just that bit earlier and the dominant tone he used on him made him pull his lips down in a sneer.

“It’s none of your business who I am and I really don’t have to answer your questions.”

He responded curtly and raised his head so he could meet David’s gaze, his jaw clenched and his thick eyebrows pulled together when he noticed with surprise that the other’s brown eyes looked a little glazed over, coated in… tears?

It seemed that David had gotten more emotional about the disbanding than he had assumed so far and against his will, he asked himself if he’d been fair with his quick judgements about the singer.

He forced those thoughts back down in the depth of his mind where they had come from and rather focused on the fact that David was standing a little too close to him, definitely having understepped his comfort zone and that nagged on his nerves more than he consciously realized.

Despite their physical closure, Aiden noticed with a wave of satisfaction that he was at least two inches taller than David, forcing the other man to look up to him.

“Just tell me why you are a guy that creeps around in dark hallways and listens to other people’s damn conversations!” David hissed and really did his best to look intimidating.

Hadn’t Aiden known that his emotions were in a turmoil at the moment and that he was not going to be actually dangerous to him, he probably would have taken a step back out of caution.

But not after he had seen David have a fight and lose it really damn quick so all he did was scoff and tilt his head.

“Or what, you’re gonna beat me up like you so successfully did with Jason? Leave it alone David, I don’t fucking care about you or any of what you just did back there. Stop making a fuss about it.” 

His voice was distant and cold and he was pretty sure that the intense glare he gave David out of his slim, ice blue eyes only strengthened the power he had over the singer.

He hated himself for it but he enjoyed the way he was the dominant person in this conversation because he knew David’s name and several more intimate facts whereas he was a literal nobody to him.

The longer he stared down to David, the more the man’s attitude and wannabe sass were torn apart until all of the aggressiveness and will to pick this fight for all means had dissolved into nothing and David was the first to take a step back.

This move was vital and Aiden almost let a smile slip onto his face as he knew that the victory was his.

David pushed a hand through his hair, revealing his nervousness about his confrontation on top of it all just to flip him off and retorting with a low, rough sounding growl.

“Oh Fuck Off Man!”

“Gladly. Never to be seen again David.” He hissed back, the sarcasm dripping from the other’s name that fell from his tongue and finally, Aiden turned around and returned to the main room without a haste, passing his friends to step outside.

He needed a smoke, that ignorant fucking brat had cost him more nerves than he liked to admit.

And despite his victory and his nonchalant demeanor around David, the sadness that had been buried so very deep inside of his orbs had yet been exposed to him during their short interaction and that just kept lingering on Aiden’s thoughts.


	2. Scowl

Aiden was in a good mood today compared to most other days.

The reason for the subtle joy residing in his mind today, slipping a small smile onto his lips, was rather simple if you thought about it but for him, it kind of meant the world.

Today was that day of the month where he took his savings and earnings from his job and went to the art store a short bus ride away from his apartment block.

It was one of his most favorite places to be but he could simply not afford to go there more often because the temptation to buy a bit of everything on sale was too big for his wallet.

So this Tuesday morning, the first Tuesday in this month, he went through his morning routine with a bit more energy than he usually did.

Aiden even woke up before his already early alarm and got dressed in pitch black jeans and a black turtleneck that he tugged into his pants, pulling a huge belt around his waist to keep it in place.

His hair would need to be washed so he pulled it back into a small bun at the back of his head for convenience and rushed through his bathroom routine, washing and cleaning his face, leaving a smudge of eyeliner along his lashes so his eyes really did resemble a dragon’s and slipping on several rings and piercings.

He grabbed his cross necklace and slipped it on while already heading towards what he called his kitchen.

It was really just a stove and oven crammed between a refrigerator and a sink, huge cabinets hanging on the wall above it.

He liked that all of his appliances were still in what his landlord titled the living room because well, it was one room less to pay for.

He turned on his trusty coffee machine and whistled to himself while lighting up his first cigarette of the day.

He inhaled and his eyes fluttered shut as the very needed burn in his lungs made a rush of pleasure tingle all through his body.

He held the smoke in for a few moments and exhaled with a sigh, taking one step back so he could turn towards one of his two huge windows and he cracked it open so the cool morning air of November could slip inside and tickle his bare feet that padded on the old, cheap floor as he walked over to the second window and opened it as well.

He sighed and looked back to his kitchen, once more being confronted with the fact that his apartment really wasn’t any bigger than these few steps between his entrance door and his kitchen, leaving just enough space to cram a battered small couch and a low coffee table in between.

Just those two pieces of furniture and a huge plant in the corner next to his sink.

Though that was the furthest corner from where he was standing right now, he knew he could reach it with only a few steps.

This is not the right day to think about your pathetic living situation

He told himself and walked back to the coffee machine that had finally fully roared to live, sounding as if it was going to explode if he pressed any of the buttons the symbols of which were almost nonexistent after years and years of use.

With familiar handles, he made himself a black coffee and grabbed a few gingerbread crackers to go with it and lowered himself onto the surprisingly broad window sill.

He had pillows stacked on it because he probably spent more time sitting by his window than on his couch but he didn’t mind at all.

In fact, he liked zoning out while cars rushed by on the street beneath him, the sounds of the engines only faint and muffled most of the time because for one, the wall of the house was covered in some sort of plant, swallowing some of the noise and secondly, his apartment was located in the fifth story, the usual traffic sounds didn’t travel this far up.

He leaned back against the wall and took another drag off his cigarette, the stick only a mere stud between his ring and middle finger.

He enjoyed the cool air brushing over his skin and warmed his long fingers on the warm cup that showed a minimalistic white cactus on the black porcelain.

He dipped the first of his crackers into the hot liquid and let it soak for a moment or two before he bit it off, savouring the perfect harmony of christmas spices and coffee beans on his tongue.

He knew that this combination was probably one of the oldest on his long list of minor obsessions and quirks but, just like with all the other ones, he didn’t care about them.

He saw them as what they were to him.

Mere habits to make existing a bit less tiring and wasteful.

Also not a fitting thought for today… 

He reminded himself so he let go of the thought and just looked over the part of town he could see, carefully listening to see if he could hear the birds in the small park a few roads down and the very corners of his lips tugged upwards when he did.

Time lost the pace it usually had when he sat right here, watching the sun rise above other apartment buildings all around him, fighting against the persistent layer of thick, grey clouds that were all over the sky like foundation spread all over a canvas.

He chugged the last, cold sips of his cup down and placed it in the sink, deciding that he’d clean it later this day when he came back home from his trip.

He quickly went back into his room to put on socks and pull his Doc Martens on before going back into the main area.

He turned the coffee machine off and closed his windows before he grabbed his only winter coat, a long, black one with a high collar and huge white buttons, knowing that his phone and wallet were in the pockets.

Plugging his earphones in, he walked down the staircase, the elevator having been broken during the entire time he’d lived here, and made his way along the streets towards the little bus station.

It was abandoned and triste, like it always was, giving off a sad and melancholic vibe with its broken sides and the graffiti sprayed all over what had remained of the clear plastic walls.

The trash bin was stuffed with all kinds of crap and the ashtray was completely full, burned out studs splattered all over the concrete floor.

He sighed and squinted as he tried to read the plan to see how long he’d have to stand here, facing the mean, icy breeze that made the uncomfortable kind of shiver run down his spine and he nuzzled the lower half of his face beneath the grey scarf he had grabbed from the handle of his door.

According to the plan, a bus was supposed to turn around the corner any moment from now but Aiden ended up having to wait for a full twenty minutes until the ugly vehicle screeched to a halt before him, entire outside plastered with advertisements that were probably more than a decade old and he boarded it, buying a ticket while suppressing a wince about the price that had yet again been increased.

The only other passengers were an old woman he thought he could recognize from the park on his block.

As he quickly looked at her he thought she was the one who always fed the ducklings, no matter the weather.

He smiled at her, just to be sure and then passed a young woman that softly rocked her body forth and back and his eyebrows pulled together to form a deep wrinkle on his brow as he wondered if she was having some sort of anxiety problem right here but then he discovered that a baby was strapped to her chest and she seemed to be soothing it, the love obvious in her softened expression now that he had figured it out.

The bus had by now started moving again so he was quick to lower himself onto one of the green seats that had definitely seen better days a long, long time ago.

He turned his head sideways and directed his attention to the streets they were passing.

The longer he sat here, the nicer the environment outside became, the cleaner were the streets and the fancier were the pedestrian’s clothes.

A scowl replaced the neutral expression he’d had until then and subconsciously, he curled his long fingers into fists in his pocket.

Oh how nice it must be to live in this part of town, not having to worry about rent, food or if the heat would work in the cold nights.

Aiden had never lived in such a sophisticated neighborhood, his parents had both not gone to college and therefore had jobs in the lower paying range.

He knew that they had both worked hard every day to be able to make everything as normal as possible but sometimes… sometimes Aiden would not have minded even more second hand clothes or missing out on christmas presents in one year if instead, they had been home more often, if he had seen them when he had come home from school and not when he almost went to bed and they just crashed on the couch due to exhaustion.

Especially when… he had been… away, he could have used just a small bit of company, a lingering other presence in the small house.

Someone to smile at him when he passed the living room to find a snack in the fridge.

But all he’d had were the cacti on his window sill, the creaking floor boards and the soft humming of the fridge.

His heart clenched tightly and Aiden gasped, pulling the attention of the mother to himself, worry in her blue eyes but he ignored her.

He forced himself to consciously look at the street again and slowly uncurl his fists so his nails would not continue to imprint little half moons into his palm.

He breathed in and out deeply so he could compose himself and shove his childhood memories back into the corner where they had so suddenly come from.

Again, he told himself that today was not the day to sulk over things and if he started to think back to his childhood, he would find himself facing thoughts about him again and that was certainly not something he wanted to fight with in a public place.

He was glad that the bus slowed down that very moment to come to a halt at his stop and he got up, glad that he had something else to do now instead of just sitting there and drowning in pathetic self-pitying and misery.

The bus stop wasn’t very far from his destination so after he left the bus, mumbling a quiet ‘thank you’ to the bus driver, he walked for only a couple of minutes until he saw the art store he so loved.

The exterior looked the same as last month, the christmas decorations already painting colorful accents around the dark wooden window frames in which there were several paintings that were on sale as well as several new objects that had been delivered only recently.

The same plant that grew on Aiden’s apartment block also covered the front of this building here, barely any leaves on the network of branches that clung to the pale yellow wall.

Aiden grinned and opened the door after throwing the filter of his second cigarette into the trash, the familiar ring of the bell above the door welcoming him as well as the stinging scent of paint and the old wood that was everywhere, in the shelves, the counter, the glass cabinets.

Pierre, the owner of the store came out of the storage room as fast as he could, the clonking of his walking stick accompanying his every step before he halted behind the counter.

“Hello, what can I- oh Aiden my boy, how nice to see you again!”

He exclaimed and a wide smile spread over his aging face, deepening all the wrinkles which made him look that much more trustworthy and kind, Aiden thought.

“Hello Pierre, how are you?” He asked and walked through the store so he could stand by the counter and talk to him more comfortably.

“Oh, my boy, I am still living so what is there to complain about. My bones and knee are killing me but what’s new”, the man grinned and despite the fact that he was missing a couple of teeth, his smile was Aiden’s favorite in this world.

The utter positivity and will to live on and keep this store that Pierre possessed radiated from him and chased the darkness away from the surface of Aiden’s mind, sinking deeper so it would leave him alone for now, at least until it would swim up again in the darkness and loneliness of his apartment at 3am.

“Sounds about right, Pierre, keep that spirit up”, he grinned and found that the smile tugging on his full lips felt genuine.

“Of course my boy, that’s what I am here for, what this store stands for, you know that. A little color and positivity within the greyness of the city.”

Pierre responded, saying this with his entire belief and persuasion present in his voice and Aiden felt a little warmer because he was glad that the world still had a simple soul like Pierre to make it a bit brighter.

“And that’s what I come here for, Pierre, so I’ll look around yes?”

“Of course my boy, I’ll be back there if you need anything” Pierre mumbled and slowly walked back into the room he had originally been in.

Aiden shot a last, crooked grin at him before turning away and starting to walk deeper into the store, disappearing between the high shelves that were stocked with every possible thing that his artsy heart desired.

College only provided him with what he needed for his classes but if he actually wanted to keep up, practice and improve his work and technique, he needed to buy the stuff himself which honestly was a struggle.

His parents, as much as they may want to, could not support him financially whatsoever so he was quite frankly on his own.

That’s why, during his first three semesters, he had worked at a restaurant to afford an apprenticeship at the tattoo and piercing studio above Larry’s because once he had been finished with that, exhausted and with a sleep average of 3 hours, he could work there regularly and afford his own existence.

He came to Pierre’s store once a month to stock up his supplies, get himself new canvases, treat himself to a new color or look at fancy, pretty brushes he would kill for.

Most of the time, he had to stick to the already expensive drawing paper, coal and chalk pens and maybe a new notebook because within a mere 30 days, he could fill one of those up with doodles and detail drawings real fast.

He wandered about and around and lost himself and the track of time in the scent of old, raw wood, freshly printed book pages and paint.

He was now standing in the furthest corner of the store by the books, themes reaching from portrait painting over element drawing to still life tips and tricks and he was entirely engulfed into the newest edition of a series he liked and decided to allow himself to add this book onto his pile of purchases that already looked more expensive than he would like it to.

Aiden’s attention was focused on this book only so the ringing of the bell was only noticed by him subconsciously, as well as the dull sound of voices coming from the counter as Pierre talked to the new customer.

After a few more moments he closed the book and shoved into the crook of his elbow so he could pull his money out of his pocket while walking towards the counter.

His card in his hand, he looked up to see where he was going to not accidentally knock something over so, just in time, he saw a person walking down the aisle, wearing a jeans jacket and a huge knitted scarf.

The man was looking at his phone, his eyebrows furrowed so Aiden cleared his throat, wanting to avoid walking into the stranger at all costs and the aisle was too slim to step aside.

The man looked up and lowered his phone, looking up to meet his gaze and after Aiden’s eyes widened in surprise for the fragment of a second, he raised his eyebrows and a scowl became prominent on his face.

“David. And I thought I’d never have to see you again. What are you doing here?”

He said defensively, trying to at least cover up the annoyance lacing his voice so he wouldn’t upset the other man.

He hated the fact that the singer had now appeared here, of all places, a small, secure environment in which he felt safe and protected which was a stark contrast to the discomfort he found himself to be in whenever he left his house.

“Likewise, I was not that keen of the thought to have to look at you again. And this is a public store, you know, there are people interested in art that come here to buy shit. So don’t be so icky about it.”

The other man retorted and tilted his head to look at him with an expression that Aiden could not quite pinpoint.

He would say that David was annoyed by him but that’s not what his orbs told him as they were staring at him from under those ridiculously long lashes.

It wasn’t anger either, because that would have been more evident in his body language and instead of crossed arms and a furrowed brow, David had one hand in his pocket and the other one was holding onto… a notebook.

He stood there very openly and Aiden knew that he was lowkey staring at him but it nagged at him that he could not put his finger onto it.

The silence between them was not as heavy as Aiden would have expected it to be but still uncomfortable enough so that he shifted his weight to his other foot, cast another glance at David standing there while the other man had already shifted his gaze to the shelf he was standing by, studying the sketching pencils that were carefully placed in their boxes.

Interest.

That was it, Aiden found and with the hint of a smile chasing away the scowl that had darkened his features, he turned around and casually walked away.

Physically, that was.

In his mind, he thought about what a curiosity it was that David had appeared right here, in this specific store at the same time as him.

Why had he met him again…

Aiden didn’t believe in coincidences so, even more than at the bar, the other man lingered in his thoughts and to his surprise, he wasn’t as furious about it as those mere weeks ago.

They had been more calm around each other and Aiden was left wondering why.

Was it because it had been here of all places… or had they just both calmed down, reflected on their childish encounter that night and decided to act like adults?

The notebook in David’s hand had piqued a fragment of his interest because… as strange as it felt, Aiden had to admit that it was the very same one that was resting in the crook of his elbow.

He made his way around the aisle that he knew David was in and paid for all of his items, sighing when he saw the final number but… it was okay, he guessed. 

He’d have enough for the rest of this month and he would just ask if he could work even more hours to make up for the hole that this purchase had ripped into his savings.

As Pierre stored all of his things in the bag he had brought with him, he spotted David in the corner of his peripheral vision.

He turned his head the slightest bit to look at the other man again, secretly of course, but to his surprise, David looked right back at him, causing him to blink fastly and his fingers to curl into his palms.

But after their gazes had been calmly meeting for a moment or two, David slowly nodded his head and Aiden thought that the corner of his full mouth had twitched upward a bit.


	3. Loser

It had been only a couple of days when he had seen, and talked to, David in Pierre’s art store but despite all of his attempts to do so, Aiden couldn’t push the other man out of his mind again.

The longer he sat on his window sill, his third cigarette of this morning between his lips and a mug filled with black coffee between his hands, the more he thought about him and the small amount of time they had interacted.

He remembered more details now that he calmly thought about the situation and he couldn’t help wondering about them.

One thing was that his hair had not looked like it had been washed in the last week or so, which Aiden found very untypical of the singer because he took him for a person that took good care of their appearance.

He had also spotted dirty spots and wrinkles all over the other’s pants and even his fancy jacket as well as under his nails which had looked as if he had not shortened them in a time longer than Aiden assumed was considered normal.

But then he had sounded so calm and relaxed, his voice having come from his lips lazily and comfortable so Aiden didn’t know if his assumption about David being in some sort of tense situation was adequate or even close to correct.

He sighed deeply and took the last drag of his cigarette, leaning over to the cluttered coffee table to dump the filter into his ashtray which was already full again, despite him having emptied it only yesterday.

Another sigh slipped from his lips as he stared at the pathetically huge pile of cigarette studs and his even more pathetically huge pile of new cigarette packets.

Cutting down on the addictive white sticks would be so much better, he thought, it would save him time, money and future lung diseases but he also knew that he couldn’t even get himself to start an attempt at stopping.

They were a constant companion in his daily life and he had grown addicted to not only the effect of nicotine on his body but the burn of the smoke in his lungs when he took a deep drag, the feeling of the filter between his lips or feeling a stick behind his ear and even the sight of the smoke hanging in the cold air of his apartment or swirling in the breeze if he had his windows opened.

He had become used to always having a packet with him wherever he went, fiddling with it in his pockets, having them lay around on his table and on his kitchen counter.

For some strange reason, the familiar sight had become comforting to him and as he looked at the brand logo, he knew that he didn’t have it in him to want to change this.

As Aiden leaned back again, he spotted his laptop laying on the couch and the sticky note on it that he had left himself before he had gone to sleep.

He had reminded himself that there was an essay on art history and specifically the symbolic use of pyramids in art throughout the centuries that needed proofreading and additional research, making another exhausted groan fall from his lips and he got up to instead sit down on his couch, opening his laptop and powering it up.

While he waited for the thin line beneath the apple logo to load fully, a fond smile tugged on his lips as he remembered the day he had bought it.

It had been the beginning of March in the second year of his Bachelor studies and he had received his first full paycheck from working at the studio as an actual tattoo artist that was no longer just learning the job.

Having saved up forever for this purchase, he had taken all of his money and he had driven to the next store that sold technical and electrical items to buy his first own laptop.

He had ignored that he hadn’t known how to afford eating for the rest of the month, that his rent would become more expensive a few months later and that his coffee machine had needed to be fixed yet again.

His focus had only laid on finally being able to afford something nice, something valuable, just by having worked hard and with a lot of discipline and he remembered well the ecstatic rush of pride that had taken him over and that had held him in its grip tightly when he had taken it home.

By now it had a little crack in the right upper corner, dirty spots around the speakers and it wasn’t as shiny as it had been all that time ago but Aiden still treasured the device a lot.

All admiration aside though, he scowled when his homepage loaded and he opened his essay again to read over it for what felt like the millionth time, editing commas and his sentence structure that tended to become messy when he had a specifically good thought in the midst of writing and he hurried to type it.

The hours flew by as he read another article about symbolism and european artists and the pages added up.

When he looked at the small clock in the right corner of his screen, he found with shock that it was already 2pm and as he realized this, his stomach clenched painfully and reminded him that he had not yet eaten an actual thing today.

Aiden hurried to type the conclusion to his assignment and emailed it to his professor, perfectly in time to meet the deadline which was 11:59 pm tonight.

Sighing, he shut his laptop down and got up with a groan, stretching his stiff muscles that were all tense from him having lounged on his old couch for too long, writing in a temporarily comfortable position that now filled him with regret.

He cast a wary glance at his kitchen and though his stomach continued on complaining, he decided that he didn’t want to prepare a meal.

Instead, he decided that he would go outside and go for a walk through his neighborhood down to the park and suppress his appetite with yet another cigarette while he was at it.

As he grabbed his coat and wrapped his dark scarf around his neck, Aiden also grabbed a couple of dollar notes so he had the option to spontaneously grab something to eat at a restaurant or food truck if the urge to eat got too big.

He buried his nose in the soft fabric of his scarf as he quickly jogged down the stairs, his heavy boots echoing loudly on the cheap, hollow material of the stairs.

The stenching smell of old water hovered in the staircase because it had left its dirty trails down the wall, the rusty pipes having leaked often over all the years.

Aiden quickly left the building and took a deep breath of cold, fresh air, pulling it deep into his lungs to chase away the bitter taste of the stuffed air inside.

He walked right across the street and headed towards the park, his feet following the familiar way on their own while his focus laid on the cigarette he had pulled out of the packet and his attempt to light it even with a mean breeze killing the flame of his lighter again and again.

When he finally managed to light the end of it, he took a deep drag and sighed heavily, content with the burn accompanying his breath and the way the cloud of smoke got ripped from his lips in a second.

For a stranger, it might seem as if he was strolling through the maze of apartment blocks without a destination in mind because it was all too easy to get lost in the small streets and alleys that stretched through this neighborhood like an old cobweb with only small spots of pathetic brown nestled in between all the greyness, because all bushes had given in to the relentless cold of the day and the harsh white frost of the night that covered everything in a light sheen of glitter.

Aiden took his time to get to the park, feet only hitting the pavement in a slow rhythm as he strolled along the sidewalk.

He was in no hurry and therefore he didn’t see a reason to waste the little amount of energy he currently had on walking fast, especially because nobody was waiting for him anyways.

He even slowed his steps even further as he walked by a couple of stores to look at the displays despite knowing he would not even be able to buy anything.

He kept up the illusion anyways.

Some days, he just liked pretending he was a normal, middle class young adult that looked at the christmas decorations that were being put up already.

Aiden found it amusing and kind of lovely that an entire nation got so obsessed over a couple of days that were supposed to be spiritual and cozy, the purpose being connecting with the family and the Christmas spirit, being filled with joy during all of it.

He had never been a big fan of the holiday season, had never been with the other kids in front of stores, all of them being rather greedy for all the pretty gifts inside while the little, pale boy had busied himself with pretending he was one of them while in reality, he worried if the heat would work the next night.

He found that all those people were misusing the festive days for showing off their wealth, drowning in bows, wrapping paper and shopping lists, completely losing sight of what they told themselves really counted:

Family, God and being grateful.

Despite all of those thoughts, Aiden allowed himself to get caught up in the colorful lights and glitter and mistletoes for a few, calm moments before he shook his head and passed by the store, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette as he turned around another corner.

Aiden crossed yet another street and finally stepped through the opened, metal gate into the park, experiencing a sudden but subtle warmth spreading through him as he looked at the small area before him, enclosed by a stone wall that was about as high as his shoulders.

He was standing in the middle of the only way leading throughout the grassy area, the little stones of the way making soft but consistent sounds beneath the soles of his feet as he walked on.

To his left were several trees, now naked and stretching their bare branches towards the grey sky, a couple of tables and benches beneath them and Aiden knew that in the summer, there would be families spending time there, eating in the soft shadow the trees would then provide.

He passed them and the way turned right so he almost walked along the wall and his gaze shifted to the right.

On the stretch of grass, there were several installations for children to play on, a set of swings, a roundabout and monkey bars.

Today, there was not a single child playing on them which was understandable when considering the uncomfortable weather.

Aiden continued to walk along the way and passed a couple more trees that created a disclosed area a bit apart from the more open playground.

That small area was another opportunity for children to play and go on an actual adventure if they felt like their parents lost track of their movements back here.

This area was intended to be a reproduction of an ocean, hills of plastic in different shades of blue and green towering even above Aiden’s head whilst in the middle of the ‘waves’. There was a structure of woods and metal that resembled the pirate ship of course.

He remembered what it looked like here in the summer, when the trees were covered in vibrantly green leaves and the sun shone onto the park, making it seem less sad and melancholic and when adding the laughter and happy screams of children getting caught up in their games to it, it painted a picture of happiness.

Aiden knew well that this place could turn into a positive one in the summer and he himself loved to come here, not at all bothered by the level of volume that was considerably higher then than now.

He would sit on the bench that he knew was placed just around the next corner.

It was a place where one could oversee both the entrance area and the open playground as well as the other area with the soft hills of plastic.

He would sit down there, his notebook in his lap and a cigarette dangling from his lips as his hands carefully sketched a child or even the playing structure all over again.

Sometimes, the occasional squirrel would sit on the path and nibble on some food it had found.

The birds would be chirping and those were the hours that Aiden felt the least lonely in because all the bustling, content life around him created an illusion of normality that he liked to give in to.

He decided that, though the wood looked damp and as if it was going to rot soon, he would sit down on the bench and hope for a sunray or two to break through the thick layer of clouds to dance over his pale skin for a hasty moment and remind him of the warmer months.

Aiden hadn’t brought anything to draw with him so, due to the lack of anything else to do, he discarded the filter of his cigarette into the trashcan by the bench and pulled a new one out, lighting it before he shoved his hands deep into his pockets to warm them up a bit.

He leaned back and watched the smoke slowly carry away in the air.

Aiden stopped his memories rushing around in his busy mind, toned out the volume of his thoughts and gave in to the silence around him.

Since christmas was still a bit too far away, there were barely any pedestrians on the sidewalk on the other side of the wall and even when one happened to pass by on the sidewalk, they didn’t speak, rushing from one place to another on their own.

Most birds were not here at this time of the year, November being too cold for many to even still be active so except for an occasional, single chirp, not even their melodious songs were to be heard.

So it was all the more startling when a dull thump interrupted the calmness of the park and Aiden’s half-lidded eyes shot open and his muscles tensed, his entire body going into alert mode within a single second.

He looked around rather hastily, his fingers curling into fists in his pockets while he stood up and turned around himself several times but his flickering gaze couldn’t settle on anything that could have possibly caused that sound.

Aiden furrowed his brow and took several deep breaths to calm his racing heart down, the end of his cigarette glimmering wildly because he was dragging on it too quickly and the smoke escaped from his tight lips in fast little huffs.

When he had calmed down more and wasn’t in shocking alert mode anymore, he checked the park more slowly, but that only brought him more confusion because there was nobody to be seen.

As he had already noticed when he had entered the area, he was alone in here.

But Aiden was sure that that thump had been way too close to have been on the street or the sidewalk, could impossibly have been caused by someone in the houses across the street.

So it just  _ had  _ to be in the park and Aiden’s gaze fell onto the only possibility that was left:

The pirate ship.

Carefully, he walked closer to the structure, paying attention to every one of his steps so as to not make an accidental sound that would take the surprise momentum away from him.

While he all but snuck towards the ship, his mind was racing to try and figure out what or who could possibly be here.

Was it a homeless person living in the shelter of the abandoned playground?

Aiden shook his head, the homeless people didn’t come here, there were other places closer to the soup kitchens and the funded overnight shelters.

His face paled even more when another thought came to his mind.

Was it a child?

Abandoned for some reason and all alone in the middle of November that brought temperatures to the city that were far below the average?

His shoes sunk into the damp sand as he edged closer to the ship and finally mustered up the courage to peek around the corner and what he discovered made his jaw drop and his eyes widen almost comically big.

“You have got to be kidding me?”

Tumbled from his lips before thinking about it and he fully stepped around the corner and ducked down to stand beneath the shelter of the ship.

“Yeah, I set this up just to make your day a bit more funny. Hence the authentic clothing and shit.”

David retorted dryly but the way his voice was shaking slightly and his entire… appearance kind of made his sarcasm sound bitter and not in any way how he had intended it to.

Aiden was at a complete loss of words, was unable to think of anything he could possibly say in this situation so he just continued gaping at the other man rather rudely.

David was cowering in a corner, body curled up so he could make himself as small and protected as possible… and to fight off the crippling cold that Aiden was now more aware of than ever.

David was still wearing the same clothes as in the art store from last week, just with more spots on them because he was sitting in the sand.

His eyes looked at him from under his hair that fell into his brow and Aiden thought he could see a very lonely, desperate glimmer in them.

The other man was surrounded by a couple of bags that seemed to contain all of his belongings and, making this entire situation even more ridiculous, the case of his acoustic guitar was leaning against the wall in the corner.

His gaze flickering up over his blanket that he held tightly around his body, Aiden’s eyes found David’s face again and stayed there, looking back at him with an unwavering and stable gaze while his own body fully came down from the temporary panic alert, soothing into the situation.

He obviously knew that the singer did not pose any form of threat to him, especially as weakened as he seemed to be, his blue lips shaking though he wasn’t talking.

“I didn’t really expect to see you again.” Aiden mumbled, knowing how weak this sounded in their current situation but he didn’t really know what would be an appropriate way to handle this.

“Yeah well, you know what they say. Once is coincidence, twice is happenstance and three times is enemy’s action.”

“Question is, who is the enemy?” Aiden retorted, feeling taken aback by that comment for some reason.

David seemed to realize what he had just subtly suggested and regret washed over his face as he figured that being cynical was not really an authentic option at the moment.

“Sorry”, he mumbled, “am just tryna play over the fact how pathetic this is.”

He really did seem to be incredibly embarrassed which was somehow understandable but despite the blush that had crept onto his cheeks during the course of their conversation, he still looked sick and as if he was about to just fall apart.

Fragile.

That’s what it was.

“How… long have you been here for?” Aiden asked quietly and lowered his gaze, avoiding David’s face so as to not be even more rude while he took one step towards the other.

“Well”, David started bitterly and pulled his blanket even closer around himself, “as you overheard about two weeks ago, Ocean’s Drop is a matter of the past and as you  _ also  _ overheard but app- but forgot”

He added and seemed to force himself to calm down and not let his emotions gain control over his words.

“Jason ended the rent contract for the apartment we had shared. How you are now able to see, I have nowhere else to go so I am left to this lovely playground.”

Aiden was really tempted to ask why his parents didn’t help him in some way or why he didn’t just move back in with them as he remembered that they seemed to be rather wealthy.

The way David looked at him gave him the feeling that the other man was anticipating such a question, a subtle fear layering over all the other emotions openly displayed on his features.

But instead, he started chewing on his lower lip as he thought about what he could possibly do right now.

Because he obviously couldn’t just leave again, right?

“So… you have been…  _ staying  _ here ever since November started?”

He asked though the answer seemed to be quite obvious and David just nodded curtly, sending a wave of horror down Aiden’s spine because as he thought back these two weeks, it had been absolutely freezing and as he looked at David, he figured that he was lucky to still be alive.

Aiden took one step closer and knelt down, seeing David flinch though the other man tried to hide that away but overall, he gave off something that reminded Aiden of a scared, wounded animal and he figured that that thought was kind of accurate.

He suppressed a wince as the coolness of the floor started to numb the feeling in his knees and the warmth of his body seemed to flee from the cold, damp sand.

He was still a few feet away from David but close enough to see how worn out the other man’s body actually was and something like serious concern arose inside of him because this kind of exhaustion could become dangerous very quickly.

Neither of them said anything but the silence was calm and his presence didn’t seem to push David away, maybe he was okay with him being here since there was no point or chance in hiding away and he wasn’t a complete stranger anymore.

Maybe he was also too tired.

The longer Aiden sat here and watched his breath form little clouds in front of his lips, his cigarette forgotten in the sand outside, the more vivid became a certain idea in his mind that seemed to be the only way to resolve this… thing.

Whatever it was, exactly.

Aiden sucked a deep breath into his lungs and then carefully stretched his hand out to reach for David’s fist that was curled around the corner of the blanket.

The other man watched his hand move but didn’t flinch away again and allowed Aiden to brush over his skin with his long finger and a visible shiver took hold of his body as he felt Aiden’s own, warm skin on his shockingly cold one.

“Come.”

Aiden mumbled and looked up from under his lowered lids, his lashes blocking out a part of his vision but he saw enough to catch the look of confusion that appeared on David’s face.

“As I said, I have nowhere to-”

“With me”, Aiden added, “come with me so you won’t freeze to death.”

The confusion was replaced by something torn between two extremes.

On one side, David seemed to feel immense relief but his suspicion almost outweighed that.

“And then I will end up… where exactly?”

Aiden was tempted to let a scowl tug on his lips because he hated having to explain himself but he settled with lifting his chin and attempting a smile.

“You will end up down a couple of streets from here in my apartment with a room temperature about 20 degrees above here.”

He responded and then pushed himself off the ground to stand up and hold one hand out to David, knowing that this was both a symbolic and very literally deciding move.

And so was David's.

He stared at him for a moment or two, his frantic thoughts about how this could either be a sort of trap or a genuine offer.

Apparently he came to the conclusion that latter was the case because he very slowly grabbed Aiden’s hand and let him pull him up, his legs shaking the slightest bit before he turned to grab some of his bags.

Without saying another word, Aiden picked up a few as well and shouldered the guitar case.

They left the playground in silence and walked the way back that Aiden had come from with the exception that this time, he took one other turn and mumbled for David to wait while he quickly bought two takeout boxes of boiling hot Thai food, figuring that David needed something that was both stuffed with nutrition, proteins and calories.

When they reached the apartment block, he balanced the food and the bags in one hand while unlocking the door.

“5th story” he mumbled and walked by the little mailboxes on the wall, leaned down to grab a letter that was sticking out of his with his teeth and started walking upwards.

As he turned around to look if David was struggling with the steps he saw that the other man had leaned down to squint at the small name tag on his mailbox.

“Aiden, huh?” He said and with a gasp falling from his lips, Aiden realized that until now, David had not even known his name nevermind anything but that he seemed to like art.

Yet he had followed him to his apartment.

Aiden figured that if you were in a more or less severe state of hypothermia, you weren’t all that picky anymore.

That thought, against all means of being appropriate, caused him to crack a smile and he nodded.

“Yup, that’s me. Aiden. Now we are equal, David.”

And without saying anything further, he climbed up the stairs to his apartment and let the two of them inside.

It was only slightly awkward as he showed David his apartment, there was not much to see anyways, and then he told him to take a hot shower and use whatever he wanted in the bathroom.

While the water was running and David was busy in the bathroom, he cleared his table from all the stuff that was all over it and put the food on two plates.

After that he hurried to find the second blanket that his mother had insisted he took with him when he had moved out and placed it on the couch so David could warm up further.

The other man was quick to come back, apparently not comfortable with using up too much of his hot water and stood next to the couch, his old clothes in his hand.

Aiden pointed towards a basket that he had left standing next to the door.

“I was gonna wash tomorrow morning anyways.”

David nodded and dumped his clothes and the blanket in there and then slowly lowered himself onto the couch.

“Well, dig in.”

Aiden said and so, they ate in silence.

When both of them were stuffed, not a single bit of the food left, David looked a little bit healthier already, his lips having turned from blue to pink again and his movements were not stiff from the cold anymore.

“Since you’re used to living with roommates, you’ll be fine, just give me some time to get used to another living person here and I’ll be good.”

Aiden finally said and looked at David and beneath the surprise that widened his eyes, Aiden saw such an overwhelming, utter thankfulness that it made another smile part his lips and his heart beat a little faster than before.

  
  



	4. Cause It‘s 3am

Two weeks.

It had only been two weeks since he had found and all but rescued David from freezing to death in the park down the road.

Aiden thought back to how vulnerable David had looked and he was filled with some sort of pride as he glanced over to the other man lounging on the couch with a book in his hands as he himself was kneeling on the floor, lighting the candle on their advent wreath.

David had gained weight ever since eating regular meals again and Aiden had found out that his new roommate had quite the talent for cooking that he hadn’t known about until now, because he himself had relied on basic food for the longest time.

David found it rather funny how uncomfortable Aiden could feel in a kitchen when he had to cook something more demanding than noodles.

David had also opened up a little more every day and Aiden discovered how funny he could be, how easy it was to spend time with him, which was a relief because the limited space of his apartment didn’t allow either of them a lot of personal space, really only at night when one of them was sleeping on the bed and the other one on the couch.

Aiden directed his gaze back to his wreath and his lighter as he lit the small, red candle and smiled as the flame hungrily licked on the candlewick and spread a mellow yellow light.

It was a tradition that pulled through his entire childhood because it was easy to afford and brought immense joy if only treasured in the right way.

It had been something that his mother had brought into the family from her origins and her own parents.

Her family was from Germany and she had told him that it was a very common thing to have this so-called ‘Adventskranz’ where you light a candle on each Sunday of December until Christmas, so when all of the four candles were lit, the christmas day was close.

A smile had always accompanied her memories when she had told him about the anticipation and joy it had brought her as a little girl to excitedly light up a new candle and braid the fir branches around the circular wooden frame with her small fingers.

“Now what are you doing that for again?” David asked and pulled Aiden back out of his memories and he looked up to the other man who had sat up on the couch, his book laying on the armrest so Aiden could read the title: 

‘Veinte Poemas de Amor y Una Canción Desesperada’ by Pablo Neruda. 

“You speak spanish?” Aiden asked, David’s own question slipping from his mind as he looked at the man and tilted his head, surprise appearing on his face.

“No, I read spanish.” he retorted and cracked a smile before shrugging and pulling his legs in so he could sit on the couch cross legged.

“I noticed.” Aiden said dryly, but an amused smile slipped onto his lips at David’s response.

“I just didn’t know that, I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t expect that. Anyways, this is a german tradition so waiting for christmas is dragging out a little less slow than it usually did for me as a child. You light a candle each sunday and when they are all lit, christmas is here.”

David smiled at him and shifted his gaze from his own face to the burning candle, the light of which was now mirrored in his orbs, making the dark brown look like melted chocolate.

It also reflected in his ear piercings which gleamed as David lowered himself onto the floor to look at the small decorations Aiden had added to his wreath.

Aiden himself got up and went to look for his little broom so he could clean up the little fir needles that were now all over the floor.

As he entered his bedroom to take the broom out of his cleaning drawer, he looked around his room and furrowed his brow.

His room looked different, he noticed, and he suddenly felt like this was the first time he actually paid attention to how many belongings of David had actually started to lay around everywhere.

The other man moving in had kind of felt like letting a drop of color dissolve in water, the small and compressed object diffusing and spreading out in the entire space which it had been allowed into.

In an open drawer he saw David's admittedly impressive collection of what he called his ‘crazy socks’ and that must be the most accurate description there was.

He had them in all colors of the rainbow, with wild fruit and animal prints in entirely mismatching combinations and Aiden shivered with goosebumps when he spotted a pair that had red lions on a vibrantly yellow fabric and other pairs with horrifying prints laying on the floor by the bed.

He wondered what maniac had thought it had been a good idea to let such gross creations enter the public market so anyone could access and possess such insults to the human aesthetic sense.

In contradiction to that, David had been devastated when he had seen the contents of his closet when, a few days after moving in, Aiden had offered him half of the space.

“Do you own a single piece of clothing that is not… pitch black?” 

He had asked, his eyebrows pulled up so far they had almost disappeared beneath his hazel hair falling across his brow.

Aiden had scoffed and continued on making space for David’s mingle-mangle of olive green, royal blue and brown clothing with random shirts in red or yellow that Aiden would not wear if his life depended on it.

“Black is the new black”, he had said back and though David kindly reminded him that the show was called something different, he had insisted that black was the only superior color, so why even bother wearing something else.

After he had cleaned up, Aiden went to the bathroom to take a quick shower before his shift that would start in a little over one hour.

As he stepped back out of the tiny cubicle and patted his skin dry, he noticed that the bathroom had also been occupied by David’s presence all over.

The second board he had screwed onto the wall was crammed full with a collection of nailpolish in as many colors as his socks and Aiden knew that David always had at least the remnants of one or more of those colors on his nails, even if it was chapped and he needed to repaint them and he found that to be quite an endearing detail about his roommate, just as the rows of earrings and necklaces that laid on the brim of the sink and the window sill.

“I’m leaving for work, don’t burn my apartment down, please.” Aiden mumbled as he pulled his coat on and wrapped his scarf around his neck.

David, who had laid back on the couch lifted his head so he could look over the back of it and glare at him.

“All I ever do is cook water for my tea, the chance is impossibly tiny that I stop knowing how to handle a gas stove.”

“Seen as you drink about five gallons of tea every day, that is a lot of water you have to cook and the chance increases. But anyways, I’m leaving.”

Aiden said and left the apartment, feeling weird because he didn’t have to lock the door and as he walked down the staircase, already pulling a cigarette out of the package in his pocket, that feeling increased.

It was as in the moment David had entered his apartment, his days, his life, an organ had been transplanted into his body, maybe even filling a gap that he didn't know was there until the missing part had been replaced.

Now he just had to wait and see if his body would accept or reject the organ, if he would grow to feel entirely okay and comfortable with the other man constantly being around or if he would continue to be on edge whenever he noticed another disruption, even disturbance in his routine.

He thought about this all the way to work, debating with himself and talking himself into letting the horrifyingly vivid images of David doing something he didn’t want him to in his apartment, finding something he wasn’t supposed to though he had nothing to hide or decide that he didn’t wanna stay with him any further.

As that last thought crossed his mind, Aiden stopped amidst unlocking the door to the studio and stared at his hands holding the keys and he breathed heavily.

Dammit, Aiden… don’t pretend like you don’t want him to stay… you already got attached

He shook his head vigorously and entered the studio, preparing the room and himself for his first appointment of today, pushing the thoughts about David as far back as he could, because he didn’t want to think about how he wanted to become comfortable around David because he had missed it.

He reminds you of h i m… His traitorous, overthinking mind told him and he curled his fingers into fists and dug his nails into his palm until the pain had wiped his mind clean again and he could finish preparing the needles and paint for his first customer of today.

His five hour shift went by rather quickly, mostly thanks to his favorite customer having an appointment with him today.

She was a young woman, only a few years older than him, that had started letting him tattoo her entire body a few years ago.

She had gotten the first one, a dragon tail around her ankle, when he had just started working here and the two of them had planned, and discussed, and drawn on her final conception throughout the years and her tattoo had grown just as their loose friendship had.

Today, he tattooed the transition of where the dragon’s body curled around her ribs to her back, spreading out one wing across her stomach down to her hip bone while the other one laid over her lower back down to her behind.

He had worked several hours on and with her while she had hooked her phone onto the stereo system installed in the room with the purpose of customers being able to distract themselves.

When he returned to the apartment, he found it to be empty and for the fragment of a second, worry and panic coursed through him before he remembered that David was at work, having picked up a job at the next gas station around, so he could help paying for rent which was fair, all things considered.

But even if he hadn’t done that, Aiden would not have minded that much, because he was so used to his budget being small and more or less perfectly adjusted to his monthly expenses.

But David has shyly but persistently insisted on helping because they shared the space and he had argued that he used way more hot water anyways.

Aiden also knew that David felt like he was in huge debt to him for letting him live here in the first place while Aiden found that decision quite natural.

Because what else had he’d been supposed to do? Say goodbye and leave him to freeze on the damn playground?

The answer was obviously ‘no’ so Aiden didn’t pay this any further worry and decided that David was going to forget about it eventually, especially when he helped pay for stuff.

As he sat down on his window sill with his laptop in his lap, the next cigarette smouldering away between his lips, Aiden wondered how David even found the time to work while studying law, which must be horribly tiring and time-consuming but he remembered with a little smirk that David did not give a fuck about his studies because he hated them.

Aiden let all that slip out of his mind again as he opened the newest exhibition of one of his favorite studios, slowly scrolling through the pieces on display, a sad smile playing around his lips as he looked at all the prizes that were so far from being affordable that it seemed as if art exhibitions of this kind were something that had come to him from another planet, seeming like it wasn’t a possibility of this world for him to ever have enough money to spend it on such a beautiful painting.

Nevertheless, he spent hours on end scrolling through them and disappearing from his window sill and instead dived into another dimension where everything consisted of shapes, and colors, and the composition and combination of those.

During all this, he smoked away and when he closed his laptop again, he noticed that the sun had apparently set because the street beneath him was pitch black, the street lamps either too dim or even broken to make the alleyway bright enough to see a lot.

He dumped the filter in his ashtray and reached for another stick from the package under his thigh and he sighed when he saw that it was the last one already.

Didn’t I open this one just… last night?

He wondered and sighed even heavier when he realized that exactly that was the case.

He glanced around the room and saw the smoke linger everywhere, heavily hovering in the stuffed air of his apartment because he had decided that it was way too cold to open the windows.

He stared at the thin clouds for another moment or two when a cold shiver of shock raced down his spine and made his eyes widen.

He smoked inside.

All the time.

But David didn’t and Aiden pulled air in through his nose sharply, now consciously noticing the strong scent of smoke and he slid off the window sill to fully open the window so he could allow the cold air to rush inside and make goosebumps break out all over his tattooed skin.

How could he have been so immensely rude and impolite, happily smoking away and polluting the air like he always had, not even thinking about how David would feel about it, as he didn’t smoke himself.

Aiden cursed himself an insensitive asshole, because he should really have thought of this earlier and out of habit, he curled his fingers into fists and dug his nails into his skin, unconsciously already punishing himself for his own indecency.

Of course, David had not said anything about this very obnoxious habit of his, because his cynicism was restricted to trivial things as he was overly polite whenever it came to Aiden’s life and habits because David didn’t feel like he was in the position to question anything he did, at least not at this early point in their sharing each other’s lives.

Aiden had not ever felt more self-conscious about himself than now, as he ripped his windows open and dumped all of the cigarette filters into the trash and even took all of the new packages from the kitchen counter, fuck, how disgusting this must be for him, 

and the coffee table to shove them into his coat pockets and his own sock drawer.

As he put all of this away, he wondered if he had more stupid habits he didn’t realize but that were strange or of discomfort to David.

When he was finished clearing the apartment of his cigarettes, he closed the windows with a stressed huff, the freezing air that was now in the entire room making him feel very uncomfortable so he went over to the coffee machine and turned it on, planning on making himself a nice, strong americano that he could drink in bed beneath his warm blanket with a good thriller at hand.

It was his turn to take the bed anyways, so he pulled his sleeping hoodie out of his closet and shrugged it on, kicking his sweatpants into an open drawer that he at least believed to be his and crawled beneath his blanket.

He had only read a few chapters when his phone started lighting up again and again, and a bunch of messages flooded his screensaver - a bird that had landed next to him on the bench last summer - and he saw that his friends were spamming the groupchat.

Aiden laid his book aside, very reluctantly so, and unlocked his phone, reading through the messages.

Apparently, they were planning when and where to meet up for going out tonight and Aiden noticed with subtle surprise that it was Friday night and instead of getting ready for a night out with his friends, which he usually did though he disliked getting drunk in public and usually never did so, he was sitting in his bed… doing what exactly?

Waiting for your roommate to come home because you wanna know he’ll make it here safely… his obnoxious and increasingly annoying inner voice reminded him and he shook his head as if that would shush her.

But though he wanted to prove her wrong, as his fingers rushed over his keyboard, he found himself cancelling on his friends, kicking off a wave and flood of messages of protest but they weren’t able to change his stoic mind and ended up going offline to meet up so they could get inside of ‘Larry’s’ before it started to rain.

Aiden looked outside of the small window of his bedroom and found that they were right, he saw thick, grey clouds hanging low on the sky, making the night even more pitch black than it had already been and as he laid his phone back onto the bedside table, a quiet thunder was to be heard.

He picked his phone right back up and checked the time.

8:33pm.

David’s shift would not end until 10pm and for the first time in his life, Aiden wished that he had a license and a car so he could pick the other man up.

Instead, he would have to wait for him to bike back here on the old, rusty bike Aiden had found, stored in his basement room for a long time and that David insisted on using for pretty much everywhere except for university, because that was really too far to go by bike.

Aiden sighed deeply and hated that all he could do was continue reading and hoping that the weather wouldn’t go wild until David was back here.

Whilst he waited for the seconds to pass, Aiden found it incredibly hard to focus on his book and finally closed it at 9:50pm so he could get back up and walk back into the main room, making himself another coffee and, to his own dismay but unable to help himself, he lit up another cigarette to calm his nerves, especially when rain started to softly tap against his windows.

Aiden paced forth and back in the meanwhile warmer room and didn’t know what to do with himself.

He hated that he was so nervous and distressed for supposedly no reason at all but he checked the time again and again and continued on chain smoking until, fucking finally, he heard a key being inserted into the lock and he quickly sat down on the window sill as to not make it seem like he had almost, or entirely, lost his shit from worrying like crazy.

David stepped inside with a tired grin and dumped his backpack on the ground with a groan, hanging his damp jacket on one of the hooks before walking over to the couch and dropping on it with a heavy sigh.

Aiden stared straight ahead and pulled smoke deep down into his lungs before he exhaled and casually looked over to the other man.

“Before you ask, work was fucking boring. I had two customers. Two.”

“How very exciting that job sounds.” 

Aiden retorted dryly, rather focusing on slowing his breath back down to a normal, consistent rhythm than talking to David for the moment.

“But, if you were not busy at all, why are you here so late? Like… you usually come back faster.” He mumbled and really hoped that this hadn’t sounded as if he kept track of what exact time David was here and when he was not.

But, to his utter relief, David didn't even shoot him a questioning glance but instead got back up from the couch and walked over to his backpack that was still laying on the floor.

“Yeah, uhm, on my way I saw that cute little store and I just had to stop and buy something. You gotta know I am kind of… I like plants.” David concluded and Aiden twisted his head to look at him, discovering that David seemed to be shy or even embarrassed about this revelation, but that expression was replaced by a proud grin when he pulled something out of his backpack and held it towards him.

“I hope you don’t mind, but it’s really small so you won’t even notice it standing around on the window sill or something.”

His further rambling was unheard by Aiden who had stopped every movement the second he saw what David had so spontaneously bought.

He felt as if somebody had hit ‘pause’ for his body so he was unable to move, all but paralyzed and frozen in place.

He was sure that even his heart stopped for a moment and even his blood stopped circulating.

He felt dizzy and the edges of his vision blurred as a very familiar scar in his chest ripped open, messily revealing a darkness Aiden had banned to a very far corner of his mind a long time ago, that he had forced into is subconsciousness but the sight of the little cactus in David’s hand dug it up and let it roll over him.

He felt his chest clech tight and he fought for his breath with his lips trembling and his hands shaking, the ash on the end of his cigarette dangling dangerously close to his leg.

“No I… don’t… don’t mind.” He forced out, his voice was strained and significantly more quiet than before.

David stared at him and Aiden figured he must look as if a demon had just possessed and taken him over but he could not move to change that 

fact so all he could do was keep breathing and hoping that he would get the control over his body back fast.

David carefully put the ocher brown pot down on the other window sill and slowly walked back towards him, sitting down on the couch without taking his gaze off him for a single second.

When he had just pulled his legs onto the couch and a blanket over his legs, opening his mouth to say something Aiden feared would interrogate him in any way, a banging, shockingly loud thunder busted the silence and made both of them flinch.

“Fuck!”

David cursed, completely taken aback and shocked, his body curled into a ball tightly in a protective instinct.

His otherwise gentle and warm voice that Aiden found borderline hypnotizing if he just spoke long enough, had deepened and gotten a rough edge to it while his deeply brown eyes were wide and in stark contrast to the white of his eye around the iris.

“You know, one day the frames of your windows are just gonna fall out and the lightning is going to kill us.”

He muttered under his breath and slowly eased his body out of the defense mode to lean forward and look out of the window where he could see heavy rain splashing against the window and the rambunctious wind pull on the drops that raced down the glass.

“Until now they have withstood every kind of weather just fine. You don't know how many thunderstorms I have seen while living here and I am just fine as you can see.” Aiden retorted and directed his gaze outside as well, gaze getting caught up in the twirling, intriguing darkness of this thunderstorm.

Watching the chaos unfold outside strangely helped him to calm back down from the sudden shock he had been forced to experience just minutes ago.

“Yeah… the windows are gonna withstand just fine… until they don’t.”

David said but Aiden heard him shift on the couch nevertheless.

He got up, his socks making barely any noise on the floor as he stepped next to him, his body so close to Aiden’s as it had not been before and Aiden felt the other man’s body warmth radiate and brush over the side of his face.

David’s voice had calmed down again and had gone back to the soothing, gentle tone it always had as he started humming under his breath, now making Aiden rip his gaze from outside so he could shift it to the other man.

He tilted his head so he could look up to him and watch him as David tugged on the hazel strands of his hair that were messily falling onto his brow, the curls becoming tangled and untamable when they got wet and David didn’t dry them properly.

Aiden saw his lips move as David just seemed to lose himself in the violent rain, the howling wind, hands deep in his pockets.

Now that he was close enough, Aiden finally saw that David did indeed seem to use colored lip balm, the pink color of his lips just having the slightest rosy shimmer and for a reason he could not find, Aiden wondered what flavor it was.

They kept staring like this for a few moments, or was it minutes.

Aiden at David and David at the thunderstorm unfolding outside.

No words needed to be said, only the rhythmic bursts of thunder and the blindingly bright flashes of the lightning interfering in the dark silence that had settled between them.

When a particularly loud thunder echoed through the small apartment, David shook his head as if he woke up from a trance and stared down to him, directly meeting the gaze of Aiden's own, ice blue eyes and he cracked a small smile.

“M’ sorry. I start humming when I am stressed.” He explained and somehow, Aiden was bothered by the fact that Davd felt the need of even having to explain himself and he found himself reaching out with his hand to faintly brush over David’s, gasping inaudibly at the contact of his skin on the other man’s.

“It’s alright. They look scary from up here. Y’know, we’re closer to the chaos.”

David nodded, no answer needed and he kept standing there until Aiden cleared his throat, pulling the warm gaze of David back onto him.

He pointed to the other end of the window sill without any further words and after just a tiny second of hesitation, David lowered himself onto the broad board of wood, back leaning against the frame and his tongue peeking out to wet his lips.

David pulled his legs up and when he laced them between Aiden’s, slotted them into the gaps, Aiden felt like he had just been presented a gift.

A small, seemingly insignificant gesture that felt like more to him in this moment and he once more dared to meet David’s gaze.

It felt right

Was the only thing that came to his mind and his lips parted so he could smile at David and the other man smiled right back, making Aiden feel as if warm water trickled down his spine and then proceeded to spread out all over his body.

They were silent for a while after this, both watching the thunderstorm and Aiden could physically feel how the discomfort slowly fell off David, how he eased more into the situation and how he forced his nervosity about the weather down.

Simultaneously, Aiden let go of his fear with every deep breath he took.

He shook off the terrifying thought of David getting to know who he really was and instead found that he strangely enjoyed the other man’s presence.

David was the first one to speak again and immediately, Aiden directed all of his focus and attention onto the other man.

“You know… my parents would be embarrassed to see me like this.”

He mumbled and though Aiden had no context whatsoever to this sentence, he felt a deep sadness radiate from the other man’s voice so he shifted his leg, laying it against David’s in an attempt at providing comfort.

Without meeting his eyes, David smiled, just a faint tug on the corners of his lips, but it was there.

“Why so?” Aiden asked, his voice hoarse and dry from not having spoken for so long.

He didn’t know why he asked this, knew that knowing more about the other man would lead to an emotional attachment that he was horrified to even think about.

Nevertheless, he asked.

David chuckled humorlessly, shoulders slacking down a bit more.

“Look at me, Aiden, living in your home like a stray dog you picked up from the street, working at-”

“Ours.”

Aiden intervened.

“Huh?”

“This apartment. This.. this… home. It’s ours now.”

Aiden didn’t know why he said this but he knew it was true.

David was at an apparent loss of words at this so he seemed to choose to quietly acknowledge it and keep speaking instead.

“Me working at a gas station to pay for the rent. The band… the band gone and… music… music just leaving me.”

Aiden was filled with such sadness, though none of the man’s sentences had been cruel, he felt like he had just gained very vital knowledge and he sensed how deeply hurt the other man was.

“Why would that disappoint them…?” He asked, driven by a sudden urge to know more, a desire to understand the singer sitting across from him.

“I am… the only son my family has. That is… what matters at least. My… my sisters, well he does not… does not really bother as much.

My family is very… uhm, traditional, I guess. So like, the principle of how the son needs to be raised as the next… man of the house without…” David’s voice broke and he took several deep breaths to collect himself, gaze lowered.

“Without asking what that son wants. My mother is… she is very sweet and very kind but she doesn’t have as much to say as… as him. 

She just does what she is supposed to. It’s fine.”

Aiden swallowed thickly and felt so helpless as he saw David crumble beneath the weight of his memories but he kept talking.

“As you… heard before, he earns a lot.. a lot of money so they can afford the best for me.”

David sounded so very bitter and broken that it clenched around Aiden’s heart like a fist and he brushed his leg against the other man’s to signal him that he was here, listening.

“So the expectation that I follow his footsteps were kind of… you know, just always there. Like a fucking Damokles sword. And, in order to live up to it, I graduated with summa cum laude and, oh thank fuck I was smart enough to study law.”

“I get the feeling that the expectations never really… ceased.” Aiden mumbled carefully and was answered with a scoff.

“Of course not”, David spat out and lifted his gaze for the first time since he had started talking, his eyes filled with anger and desperation.

“So when he finds out that I am in a band, distracting myself from the fucking studies I hate… he c-”

His sentence was interrupted by a sudden sob but David clenched his jaw and forced the words out with pure will.

“He cut all the money. I moved into the apartment of my fri- former friends, slept on the couch. No more extra shit and instead depending on the gigs to pay the fucking rent. Now Aiden… now I can’t call and tell him that he… that he…” Another sob spilled from his lips and he hung his head low again, trying to hide away the few tears that trickled down his cheeks like the raindrops on the glass outside.

“I know what you wanna say, and don’t.” Aiden said.

“He was not right. Because here you are. As you said. Look at you. Properly. You are earning your own money. At least every other week you don’t sleep on a couch and you keep going. If he can’t see that strength… then I don’t know.”

Aiden knew that this was only helping to a certain degree.

David’s desire and urge to please his father, who he had not once directly named during talking, was rooted so very deeply in his earliest childhood that he rather wrecked himself over the supposed disappointment than distance himself from that very toxic vicious cycle.

When David looked up to him again, Aiden knew that he was right.

David hurt himself with this over and over again, like a cruel form of self punishment and Aiden had not the faintest clue of how to help him right now.

“Thank you.” He said and David only nodded and sighed heavily, his shoulders lifting up as if he had talked a weight off of this.

Aiden wondered if David had ever told anyone about this before him but somehow… somehow he knew that he was the first one.

The night in which David had more or less confessed his struggles with his family background and unhappiness about his studies had been three weeks ago.

They had not further talked about this and David seemed to be okay with that and Aiden was glad that he didn’t show any signs of regret.

Nevertheless, he had been thinking about David’s secret all this time because it nagged him.

He had this generally unsettling feeling that he owed David a secret, an equally deep and vital hidden fact to make up for the trust that David had given to him.

He had given Aiden the power to hurt him, to hurt him very deeply and Aiden was very aware of the weight that it put on his shoulders.

As he was sitting on the window sill, his sketchbook in his hands, he couldn't help zoning out and thinking back to a very similar situation from many years ago.

He thought about Fairy.

She had been the first of the people that were now his friends to be close to him and that had a very specific reason.

That reason was Aiden’s sense of equality and fairness and a bit of coincidence.

He shifted his gaze so he could look at the three little, burning candles on his wreath and remembered the first time he had really talked to her and the consequences that had followed that conversation.

It had been in the senior year of HighSchool, Aiden already working besides school so he would be able to afford college.

He knew about Fairy, he was kind of just aware that she existed and that she did gymnastics in the school team.

The two of them had never before exchanged a single word until the day that Aiden had forgotten his book in the school’s only changing room after his PE class so he went back there after school had ended, assuming that it would be empty since everyone went home at this time.

Turns out it hadn’t.

Aiden had opened the door and saw Fairy, in the midst of changing from her hoodie and jeans into her long-sleeved outfit for practice, alone in the room because she seemed to be here way early for the practice.

And Aiden immediately knew why she did that.

Her ribs and back were covered in bruises, deep red and ugly lilac that stretched out up to her shoulders and with a shiver he saw the red imprint of a hand around her thigh.

She had twirled around and stared at him, fear in her huge eyes that had looked at him in such utter devastation that it had broken his heart on the spot.

“You didn’t see this!” Fairy had hissed and he had raised his arms in defense.

“If you don’t want me to, I didn’t.” He had said, his voice calm and quiet and he had slowly stepped towards her, hoping to not increase the horror in her orbs that made her look like a wounded animal being cornered by a predator.

“But what if I saw it and wouldn't tell anybody about it…?” He asked and sat down on the bench several feet away from her, relaxing his body and looking up to her.

“Then… then… “ She stuttered, apparently unable to actually process his answer, brain short-circuiting.

“Then you would be safe…” He answered for her and tilted his head.

Her body was still for a few seconds until a sob came out of her lips and she shuddered before she collapsed onto the bench and started gasping for air, tears rolling over her cheeks and, though knowing that this was entirely strange, Aiden slid over to her and carefully laid his arm around her, holding her against his chest until she softened against him and started talking, her voice a mere whisper.

“The first… time was last year. He… he was dr- drunk. And my… my mom wasn’t home. I came… came home later than I was supposed to so he… he just slapped me in the… the face. But… but that was as if… as if…”

She gasped for breath and Aiden started drawing consistent circles on her shoulder with his thumb, careful to not apply any pressure to the bruises.

“As if he had crossed some kind of.. kind of line. Because after that… it never stopped again. Quite… quite the opposite.”

She didn’t elaborate further but such a thing was kind of pointless when Aiden could see it right in front of him.

“That’s not all though… is it?” He mumbled and she violently shook her head and curled closer against him, subconsciously craving his warmth, his gentle hands.

“Two… it was two days ago.”

She sobbed and her voice cracked but despite it all, she kept talking, the words spilling out of her as if once she had started, a barrier she had built up had broken down and everything she had kept inside came free.

“He came into my room… and… and, and then he c- called me things.” She hiccuped and Aiden pulled her legs up onto the bench so he could pull her small body fully onto his lap.

“Called me many bad… bad things and… that it was all my fault. Said that I needed to feel the pain he experiences when I… I disappoint him. And then he…”

Aiden held her head and told her to breathe, as calm and steady as she could and she clung to his every word, followed his calm words as he told her.

“Breathe in… and now breathe out again. Again, breathe in…”

It took her a while to calm down enough so she could speak and confess the horrifying end of the story.

“Then he tore… tore it all and… and…”

She unclenched one of the fists she had buried in his hoodie and pointed to her leg, right where the handprint was and Aiden realized with a painful clench of his chest that this was proof of a rape.

This girl had been raped by what sounded to be her own father.

Aiden felt his eyes burning and only moments after, he cried with her, holding her even closer.

“You are very brave…” He said and it was only now that he realized that he did not know her name.

She realized it too and looked up to him, her eyes red and swollen and she chuckled breathily.

“Funny, isn’t it. I just told you something horrifying and you don’t know who I am. My name is…”

“Hold up.”

Aiden interrupted her and she furrowed her eyebrows.

“You don’t… have to tell me your actual name. You don’t have to… be her”, he nodded at her bruises, “with me. So… you can be anyone else.”

She seemed to think about this for a moment and then nodded and handed him one of her fragile hands.

“Nice to meet you, I am… I am Fairy.”

The fact that she had cried was still very clearly audible in her voice but Aiden believed that she had just found strength, just enough to take two of the shards inside of her and put them together.

This name was a beginning.

“Hi, Fairy, I am Aiden. Really, though. Aiden Parker, that’s my name.”

She grinned and took his hand to shake it.

“So, Aiden”, she said and shifted on his lap to make herself more comfortable, obviously not planning on leaving her spot any time soon.

“Then what’s your dark story?”

It was a simple question, with a slightly sarcastic undertone but Aiden saw in her eyes that she wanted to know.

Wanted so desperately for him to distract from her misery, wanted to cling onto his words and a story other than her own so she could forget about it for just a while.

Aiden found this fair and her desperate, lonely gaze made him want to establish equality between them.

He had sworn to never talk about it.

He didn’t know if he could.

Nevertheless, he started talking about him.

It had taken him the greatest deal of overcoming and a lot of tears he had spilled countless times before.

Afterwards, they both felt that they had been tied together by a connection, something raw and real and really crazy.

Together, they had gone through the rest of the year and were ecstatic to find out that they had both been accepted to the same college.

He rented his own little apartment and Fairy signed up for a shared apartment and that was how she had met Mel and Bo and long story short, all of them became that tight little group that could withstand everything else.

But he had never told his story again.

Until David had told him his own and he felt like back then all over again, could hear Fairy’s voice in his head, asking him what his dark story was and his decision that he needed to give something back.

So now he was sitting on his window sill and he heard the door unlock.

“I am sorry I took so long again.” David called out and Aiden turned sideways, placing his stiff legs back on the floor and looking over to the other man.

“But I thought… since we really haven’t done many christmas preparations apart from this”, he pointed towards the tiny christmas tree they had placed on the coffee table, “we need to make it properly. So I bought small ornaments to fit him.” David concluded and pulled a small carton from his backpack.

“We are so early with this it’s incredible.” Aiden retorted with a grin and knelt down next to the table.

“Well, rather late than never. We still have 30 minutes until the 4th Advent and Christmas.”

“Then hurry and give me some of those.”

Aiden said and reached for the small ornaments to put them on the tree while he wondered what the best way was to tell David his ‘dark story’, because now that he had decided on doing it, he wanted to get it over with.

They decorated the tree in silence and just when David put the star on top, a thunder toned through the apartment and David groaned.

“Oh great, another thunderstorm.”

Aiden grinned and looked at his window and the raindrops starting to race down the glass.

“Well, the more frequent they happen the earlier you are gonna get used to the exclusive 5th story of an apartment block experience.”

“I will literally never get used to how scary they are here. I’ll rather cook. Have you eaten yet?”

“Have I ever eaten yet when I know you will come home and make food anyways?” Aiden asked with a grin and got up again.

“Of course not. Give me 20 minutes” David sighed and Aiden left the living room to go to the bathroom and take a quick shower before he sat back down on the window sill and stayed silent, watching David prepare late dinner and cook water for his tea the scent of which had long replaced the lingering cold smoke, because Aiden tried his best only to smoke outside or with an open window.

They had adapted to such a rhythm over the weeks they had lived together, had developed it gradually so they functioned together.

Aiden breathed in deeply and remembered Fairy again, and how just starting to talk had been an exchange of some sort… had given them closure.

So he spoke up.

“You remember when you started buying cacti and I was strange about it?”

“Yeah I do…” David said and he heard that he was interested and curious.

You can do it… you can tell him, it will be safe with him…

“That was because… because it reminded me of someone. Of someone who… is not here anymore.” He mumbled and the silence was comfortable enough for him to keep going, forcing the words out of his mouth and the more he talked, the more he just rambled on, voice cracking.

“It… reminded me of… of my brother to be exact. My… my twin brother. He had cacti in his room as long as I can think back but he… he… he is not with… with me anymore.”

Aiden saw the realization in David’s dark eyes as he turned around to him, a spoon in his hand.

“He… he… it was almost five years ago… It's been five years this… this January. He was at his… his friend’s house that Friday but he… he had promised to come back home that night. But… but it was a night like… like this and dark and very… very foggy.”

Aiden felt as if his lungs pulled together, keeping him from breathing and he gasped for air, clutching his hands to his chest while his head hung low.

“And he… he had an alcohol problem…”

He forced out, his voice strained and eerie, not sounding like him anymore at all.

David dumped the food onto a single plate and turned the stove off so he could sit in his usual spot, slotting his legs between his and the familiar movement gave Aiden enough courage to continue.

“And he… never… never…”

The tears blurred his vision and clogged his throat, keeping him from speaking properly while his heart raced irregularly in his chest, making him feel dizzy and close to losing consciousness.

“He never came back that night…”

He feared looking up, now that David knew it.

Now that he could figure out why he was so anxious when he came home later than usual, why he was strange when it came to David’s obsession with cacti, why he clung to nights like these in an obsessive, melancholic manner.

What he couldn’t tell him though was all the other ways that David reminded him of his twin.

His hair, his fucking reading glasses that looked the same, the cooking… it was all like little needles stinging on his skin but still, he cherished all those things David did despite the pain.

Because he would rather die than lose David again.

Aiden breathed in as deep as he could and finally looked up and met David’s unfaltering gaze, feeling small yet so… taken care of as David’s eyes stripped all protective layers from him.

He looked at him as if his eyes, filled with that inexplicable tranquility that once more reminded Aiden of… him, could glance into his soul and Aiden felt so exposed, so naked and vulnerable but overpowering all of his fear, the horrifying and crippling fear of David knowing who he really was, was an immense feeling of… safety.


	5. Bad Idea

“This is not anything I really approve of.” Aiden mumbled as David pulled him onto the bus, fingers tightly wrapped around his wrist.

“Sounded very differently after your eighth glass of whiskey last night, you know what they say, children and drunks always tell the truth.” David insisted and paid for their tickets.

A shiver ran down Aiden’s spine at both the warmth of the air inside the vehicle compared to the freezing breeze of early January outside and the thought of where they were headed.

It was the 2nd of January, both of them on their winter semester break that had given them a lot of free time around Christmas and New Year’s, which they had spent together.

Aiden only rarely had celebrated with his friends in the past, always being in a particularly bad mood in those festive days both because he hated that it had turned into a social competition and the fact that the Christmas day itself had never been that much of a big deal in his family, so why start being joyous now.

So they had not even asked many questions when he had texted them that he didn’t want to come to their apartment and stay with them for a week.

Aiden knew they were starting to wonder what he did all the time, he had cancelled on them more often than not ever since David had moved in.

David.

Who’s existence he had carefully kept hidden from his friends as well, without really knowing why, because he kept on ignoring the obnoxious voice in his head that told him that he wanted the other man all to himself without anyone else knowing, and wanted to keep him in the small bubble that was his life.

Aiden didn’t really like the thought of sharing.

Right now, he was facing one of the only disadvantages that came with David living in the same space as him.

That disadvantage was that whenever Aiden got drunk late at night to just numb everything for a few hours, downing the beautiful amber liquid in gulps while chain smoking on his window sill, staring out into the night, David was there to witness it all.

He had never before realized that he was a very talkative drunk person and, according to David, one that complained and whined a lot.

Also according to David, he had talked about his brother last night, had rambled on and on about how it used to be when they were smaller, playing together and his brother, being five minutes older, taking care of him as if he was born way before him.

David hadn’t mentioned it but Aiden knew he must have cried a lot, gasping and sobbing away while curling into a tight ball to keep himself from shattering, falling apart just like that.

The memory of last night was very blurry and Aiden only remembered that David had been with him the entire time, sitting on the couch and reading, quietly watching over him while drinking gallons of tea.

Tea that he, after Aiden had insisted on it for a while, had spiced up a little bit with a shot of vodka in every mug and David had found that extra addition to be quite good so he had promised drunk Aiden that he would keep doing it.

Because why not.

What Aiden hated most about last night though was that David insisted that he had told him that he had not once visited his brother’s grave in the five years after the accident.

He had supposedly told David to take him there right on the next day because the following night, the transition from the 2nd to the 3rd would be the five year anniversary of his twin having had that deadly accident so David had complied, had had to promise him to drag him here by all means but now… now he really didn’t know why he would wish for such a thing.

He sat in his seat next to David, stoically looking out of the window, watching the streets pass by as they came closer and closer to the graveyard where it was… the common grave in which the ashes of his twin were buried.

Aiden felt a stinging embarrassment roll over his body as he thought about what David would think when he saw it.

The grave.

Saw that it was in the very corner of the graveyard, right next to the stone wall covered in plants that nobody ever trimmed and a wooden sign that had an entire list of names on it because it was one of the common graves for people whose relatives could not pay for the funeral and, after the cremation, couldn’t pay the fee to claim the ashes either.

Aiden hated that David would look at it and know that his family was so horribly poor they couldn’t even pay for their eldest son to be buried with dignity.

They reached the right bus stop and David got up, pulling him along with ease because throughout the entire ride, he hadn't let go of his wrist, had even taken hold of his fingers loosely and Aiden focused on that faint touch alone, the warmth of David’s skin on his while he held his head low, black hair falling across his brow and over his dull eyes that, if one would get the chance to glance into them, displayed a numbness, a throbbing pain taking over every breath, every step, every beat of his heart.

David strangely knew exactly where to go and Aiden wondered how much he had actually told him last night but couldn’t get the exact memory back no matter how hard he tried.

“Wait”, he mumbled and tugged on the sleeve of David’s jacket.

The other man turned around to him and tilted his head, his warm eyes calmly watching him.

“I can’t go sober. I just can’t.” Aiden said and pointed to a small convenience store crammed into the building at the corner.

David seemed to contemplate his silent suggestion for a moment or two but, to Aiden’s great relief, he nodded and they entered the store.

It smelled like stale air and cheap plastic as they walked through the stocked aisles towards the corner where dozens of glass bottles were neatly stacked on the metal shelves.

The only other person in the room was an elderly woman sitting at the register, a newspaper in her hands in which she seemed to be deeply immersed because she hadn’t even looked up upon them entering.

They halted before the shelves and Aiden noticed that David was still holding his hand loosely, their interlaced hands almost hidden by both their sleeves but though it was barely visible, Aiden very clearly felt David holding him and he found himself craving the comfort this gave him.

“I assume you want whiskey?” David asked without even looking at him and Aiden nodded, keeping on holding David’s hand while he reached for one of the tall bottles.

To his surprise, the other man stepped forward as well and Aiden saw that he pulled a clear bottle with an evenly clear liquid in it out of the row and then looked at him.

Aiden raised one eyebrow and tilted his head, because David was usually not the type to drink without a good reason.

Meaning he never drank at all, hadn’t it been for him to suggest adding alcohol to his tea just last night.

“What? Your suggestion was quite valid even though you were shitfaced. It did make a difference when there was vodka in my tea so why not buy more?” David argued and Aiden just nodded, not really in the situation or state of mind to start discussing David’s sudden liking of numbing pain with alcohol.

They paid for the bottles, the woman casting them a weird look from under her scrunched up eyebrows but neither of them cared that it was exceptionally weird that two young men bought strong liquid in the early afternoon of a Tuesday.

Lacking any further ideas for distractions, Aiden had to let himself be pulled closer and closer to the graveyard, holding the opened bottle in his hand and taking sips from it more often the closer they came.

He felt his heart starting to beat too fast in his chest and he felt how he couldn’t pull breath as deep into his lungs as when they had left the store and on top of it all, he started to sweat out of nervosity despite the freezing cold.

David pulled him around another corner, the grip of his hand now rather tight than loose as it had been before, probably hoping that it would help him be more at ease.

He did succeed, but the comfort was by far not enough to fight away the increasing panic that thrashed around Aiden’s chest and he whined when they stepped through the metal gate.

David only cast him a silent look, his brown eyes filled to the brim with sadness and empathy for him, but the determination to make him actually do this not ceasing the slightest bit.

Aiden took another sip, knowing that David waited for him to lead the way so he turned to the right and slowly followed the path he still vividly remembered from when him and his parents had come here shortly after the accident.

He didn’t know when exactly it happened, but tears eventually started to roll down his cheeks, the liquid feeling warm on his cold skin as they spilled over his lips and chin.

David did not say a single word, just held his hand a little tighter and now, he took a sip from his bottle as well, barely even scowling at the surely strong taste.

Aiden breathed in and out shakily and only now, now that they were almost there, he realized that David would now finally know everything about his secret.

Aiden cast him a look out of the corner of his eye but his vision was too blurry to see the other man clearly.

He wondered when he had let go of that crippling fear that had taken hold of him since that day in October that David had moved in, the fear of the other man knowing him, seeing through all of his layers, but as he guided David along the way, he openly showed it all to him, revealed the secret and… let him in.

He took another couple of gulps, about a third of the whiskey already missing from the bottle and Aiden started to feel the alcohol hit his system, felt the delightful dizziness spreading out into his limbs and starting to numb the throbbing, miserable pain that still increased with every step.

He saw it now.

Saw the pale wooden sign in the corner and little, ugly sobs spilled from his lips as the two of them reached the grave.

Aiden didn’t see, didn’t know if David allowed his mimic any reaction as he saw the list of names on the sign, engraved into the old wood that had been worn out by wind and weather but the names were still very clearly visible.

Tears now streamed down his face and he was almost too sunken in his pain, in his agony, to notice that David squinted to read the names.

His eyes widened as he realized that David didn’t know his brother’s name, but his throat was too tight from crying, from desperately gasping for air to tell him; he didn’t even know if he could stand saying it out loud when it haunted his nightmares, his own young voice calling out for his brother night after night…

David seemed to sense that he could not speak with and to him even if he wanted to so he started looking forth and back between the sign and him, starting to read the names out loud, his voice a mere whisper that almost got carried away in the wind.

It was only six names on the sign but David read them slowly and carefully so he could look at Aiden’s face at the same time.

“Alexander Chandler?” … “Christian Earl?”

They both knew that those two didn’t have Aiden’s last name but apparently, David wanted to make absolutely sure he didn’t miss it, speaking very calm and collected.

David scanned the sign again and noticed with a gulp that the next three names, Natalie Ivy, Leslie Jennings and Helena Nott, were obviously wrong so he leaned his upper body forward, read the last name and then opened his lips, voice decreasing in volume even more but Aiden heard him say it, say his name.

“Daniel Parker?”

David’s voice got carried away by the howling breeze of the wind that tugged on their clothes and it also drowned out the hoarse scream leaving Aiden’s mouth as he fell to his knees, hands curled to tight fists as he tried to suck air into his lungs, because his frantic sobs were pushing it all out and the relentless wind seemed to pull it away from him.

Hearing his name was like a physical punch to the gut, like a hand holding a dull dagger that had been rammed between his ribs and was now slowly being turned around, digging around inside of him, cutting open all of his scars.

The old wounds that his brother’s horrible death had brought to him ripped open again, messily and entirely, and the pure agony flooding out of the holes stained his insides like black oil paint spilling over and destroying a canvas, covering all the details and all the hidden beauty and leaving behind a mess that could not be fixed.

Aiden was groaning out in physical pain, every single one of his limbs aching unmeasurably and his heart feeling as if it had stopped beating and instead frozen, ceasing to keep him alive.

David knelt down next to the tall man, wrapping one of his arms around his waist so he could hold him close, the new physical closure feeling strange at first but David only needed a few seconds to adjust to it so he could pull Aiden closer to him, cradling his head with one of his hands, pressing his face close to the crook of his neck so he could just hold him while Aiden seemed to be dizzy with pain, with memories and with the confrontation he was suffering through.

David took the whiskey bottle from him and placed it next to his own vodka bottle, just in reach but far enough so neither of them would push them over and waste the alcohol.

David didn’t know when but suddenly, he sniffed harshly and realized that his face was wet with tears and as he looked at Aiden, he started sobbing quietly, not even close to understanding the unmeasurable pain 

Aiden must be in.

All he could do was hold him and go through his very own pain, inflicted by how broken Aiden was, how dull his orbs shimmered through his tears and how weakly his body shook, all control taken from the other man as he seemed to drown in depths David could not imagine until this moment.

David didn’t know how long they sat on the ice cold floor, crying next to each other but at one point, Aiden seemed to have stepped back from that dark place inside his head just the slightest bit, because David could feel how he fought his own mind for the control over his body so he could lift his torso up a bit, still crying but apparently able to breathe again.

The other man didn’t look at him so David quietly folded his hands over Aiden’s and started mumbling a prayer, the words smoothly falling from his lips as he had spoken them many times before.

He asked for peace, for calmness and for strength, his recited words being spoken rhythmically seeming to be like a lifeline for Aiden who calmed his breath more and more and when David concluded with a quiet ‘Amen’, Aiden lifted his head and stared at the grave.

‘Amen’

His voice was hoarse but David could hear the desperate hope to be heard in it so he slipped his hand into his pocket and handed Aiden the little cross he had brought with him.

Aiden just looked at him with wide eyes, thankfulness glimmering beneath the dullness when he carefully took the little cross from him and crawled towards the sign so he could lean it against the wood.

“Amen, Danny.”

David wasn’t sure if Aiden had actually said those words or if it was something else like the wind howling around them increasingly loud.

Aiden stayed in his kneeling position a few more seconds before he turned his torso around and reached for David’s hand.

He pulled him up and immediately slipped his arm around his waist so he could drag Aiden away again, all strength apparently having left his tall body.

All he seemed to be able to do was put one foot in front of the other and hold onto the neck of the glass bottle so tight David feared it might just break.

It was increasingly easier to hold Aiden up the further they went away from the grave, as if the dark pull it had on Aiden ceased as they physically left this place.

As soon as they stepped through the gate, Aiden slumped against the wall and let go of David’s hand so he could pull a tissue out of his deep coat pocket, drying off his face with it before pushing it back into the pocket and instead retrieving a cigarette that he tucked between his lips and lit up, inhaling smoke as deeply as he could, calming down after several drags and finally, he met David’s gaze again.

“I didn’t ever think I could do this.”

His voice sounded strangely distant and cold to David, as if Aiden tried his hardest to push the thought of the grave away already.

“But you did… we did.” David retorted quietly and to his surprise, Aiden reached out and brushed over his hands with his own, the faintest smile playing around the corners of his lips.

“Thank you, Dave.”

David blinked several times as he heard this nickname but after a moment, a lopsided, secret little smirk pulled his lips up and he nodded, leaning against the wall next to Aiden so he could lift the vodka bottle to his lips and take several sips.

They stood in silence for a while, both of them just drinking. David just peered to the side from time to time to look at the other man dragging on his cigarette and his right hand holding onto the halfway empty bottle, the black letters of his tattoo - R O U G H - stretching over his pale skin as he clenched onto the glass neck, making David a little concerned because it looked as if Aiden was about to break it, especially when he saw that his grip tightened and loosened almost rhythmic, making the inked crow across the joint of his thumb and hand look as if it was moving its wings.

When Aiden had finished a second cigarette, he twisted his head to look at David and tilted his head, his eyes already looking like they were glazed over from the alcohol that seemed to hit him in the moment.

“Wanna go home?” He asked and David nodded, he didn’t wanna stay here, didn’t want to be reminded of how broken Aiden was and the horrifying loss he had suffered.

They walked next to each other, still very quiet, each of them holding their bottles in one hand and interlacing the other one with each other, fingers slotting together perfectly as they headed for the bus station.

To both of their utter dismay, the bus was now a lot fuller than it had been earlier; apparently they had needed a lot more time than they had thought and people got off work now, taking the bus home.

They had to let go of each other’s hands in order to hold onto the metal handles in the narrow aisle of the bus in order to not topple over when it rushed around corners.

Aiden was already tipsy but he still noticed that, before even thinking about touching the metal, David had pulled a tissue out of one of his pockets so he could hold onto the handle with the thin fabric instead of his hand.

He smiled at that little detail that he had never before noticed about the other man before he lowered his head again and wished for the ride to be over soon because his stomach complained about the swaying and sudden turns the driver took.

Finally, the two of them could exit the crowded vehicle and walk back to their apartment, the light already fading as the sun went down at a horribly early time in winter, making the nights darker, longer, lonelier.

When they entered the small apartment, Aiden immediately went to drop down on the couch, pulling his socks off and resting his head on the armrest so he could look at David, fighting for his eyes to focus instead of zoning out.

To his surprise, the other man didn’t move to get comfortable, no, instead he walked into the bathroom and came back into the main room with their little vacuum so he could… start cleaning, the machine humming to live.

“What on earth are you doing?” Aiden asked him and sat up again so he could watch David vacuum the floor calmly.

“Distraction. If I sit down now I will just start thinking about all kinds of shit and I don’t want that.” David retorted and gulped down more vodka as he walked around the couch to vacuum the rest of the room.

This wasn’t an efficient way to distract him though, because it only took one about five minutes to vacuum the small space and David huffed, seeming very bothered by the fact he could not further clean the apartment so he sat down next to Aiden, very disgruntled.

There was more silence in which they just sat there, staring at the kitchen, both of them sunken in their own thoughts until Aiden spoke up and looked at David, his voice quiet and small somehow.

“Dave?”

“Hmmm?”

“This… this lump in my chest… this horrible fist around my… my heart… that feels like it’s going to kill me, do you think I can drown it?”

There was more genuine hope in his voice than there was supposed to be but he didn’t care because he could feel how the agony crept up on him like a sleek monster hunting him, ready to jump and defeat him.

David looked at him with those huge, sad eyes and shrugged.

“I honestly don’t know but it’s worth a try. Cheers.”

The clink of their bottles was clear because there was increasingly little liquid left in them, which Aiden found wonderful because that meant it was all in his system, helping him forget about everything.

At one point, Aiden slumped to the side to lean against David, feeling how the other man stiffened at the still very new and unexplored physical closure but he soon loosened up and Aiden zoned out in that very position until he could feel David’s body starting to quiver beneath him and he sat up and looked at him and, with a sad little sound falling from his lips, he saw that David was crying.

Aiden placed his bottle on the table and used both of his hands to cup David’s face and wipe at the tears with his thumbs, his own pain suddenly forgotten as he laid all of his focus on David.

“Dave, what’s wrong?” He asked but the other man only shook his head and closed his eyes, which didn’t prevent the tears from rolling over his cheeks.

“If you don’t talk to me it’s not going to be better… Dave talk to me.”

Aiden hated seeing the other man like this, so small and miserable and he did his best to soothe him, carefully wrapping his arm around his back so he could pull him closer.

David was a silent crier, he didn’t sob or whine, the tears just fell down his face and over his full lips, making him look shattered and so very young.

After a while, he opened his eyes back up and looked at Aiden, orbs swimming in tears still.

“It’s just all so horrible… if you think about it, this life just makes you wanna leave. It’s all unfair and… and hard and… dismal”, he hiccuped, the little sucks of breath making his chest shake and his lips quiver.

“Like… like your… your brother and… and having no money and just… being at the very bottom and not seeing where to go. Like I don’t even know what to do with my life. I hate my studies and… and university and I have not a fucking clue what the plan for me is…”

He breathed in shakily after this and looked down, trying to make himself as small as possible in order to hide himself from everything around him and Aiden pulled him even closer and rested his own head on top of David’s, sighing.

He assumed that this was not only about today, something else that David was not telling him must have happened and as he held the other man like this, tears started to roll from his own eyes again, soaking into David’s hair.

“Do you really not wanna tell me what happened? Something must have upset you Dave…” He whispered into the other’s hair, the nickname feeling sweet on his heavy tongue, weighed down by the considerable amount of whiskey he had drunk over the course of the day.

“Was it your… your father?” He asked and he felt David nod beneath his head.

“Was it about school?”

A weak sob was to be heard from the other man and Aiden carefully buried one of his hands in David’s hair and started combing through it.

“He… he called me yesterday when you went for a walk… as if he’d known that I was alone. And he… he said that he looked at my grades and that… that I dropped and why that is the case and how I plan on… on fixing it. He was very… very upset with me.”  
  


Aiden knew that that probably meant that David’s father had screamed at him through the phone and had once again told him about how disappointing he was, how he needed to work harder in order for him to be proud and though David was an adult man, those insults still hurt the little boy inside of him.

The cards his father played were meant to hurt him, to scare him into wrecking himself over this demanding subject, to do everything humanly possible to get the best grades.

And Aiden was hurting for the man in his arms that got stripped of all confidence and strength. 

He was hurting for his misery, his pain, for the little boy inside of him and he was hurting because his own wounds were still bleeding.

The wounds that had been ripped open again so he had to face and confront the death of his twin, his loved brother that had been five years ago.

Five years of him not watching him draw.

Five years of him not carrying him around on his back.

Five years of him not cooking at random times of the day.

And Aiden cried for every single second he lost with him, cried for every nightmare he woke up from with tears staining his skin and he cried for the dark loneliness that had laid over him like a layer of grease on his skin, sticky and annoying and always there, staining everything he touched. 

Aiden leaned forward again so he could take the two bottles from the table again, handed David the vodka and drank his whiskey himself.

When David had taken another sip, he reached his hands out so he could take Aiden’s left hand between his own and stare at the tattoo on his pale skin.

He reached for his reading glasses on the armrest and put them onto his nose, flicking his wrist once before pushing them further up so he could look at the black ink on his skin.

It was hebrew signs across the back of his hand and David looked up, meeting his eyes and tilting his head in a silent question.

Aiden cleared his throat that was tight from all the crying and he started explaining, his voice hoarse.

“That… that is hebrew for… for ‘Danny’. I got that… a little less than five years ago… one… one week after… after the night…”

“Danny… that means ‘God Is My Judge’, and… and I hope He judged him well. He was… was a good man. Deep inside he was the kindest soul… a soul that lost to the world”, Aiden choked on his breath and coughed, more tears spilling from his eyes as he so strongly mourned the loss he suffered from every moment, an agony that had started this very night five years ago.

“That looks so beautiful…“ David whispered and looked at him again.

Aiden looked back at him, roughly wiped his tears from his face and, after taking another sip, a smirk snuck onto his quivering lips.

“Do you want one?”

“Huh?” David stared at him with huge eyes.

“Do you want a tattoo?”

David seemed to think this over for a while, his gaze flickering over the spiderweb that stretched over the left side of Aiden’s throat and over the outline of his windpipe where the structured strings tangled into black lines that looked like torn music sheets, curling across the right side of his neck to end in an easel right beneath his right ear, a little angel and a devil sitting on it, reaching for the shell of his ear.

“Yes. Yes, I want one.”

“Okay, luckily I know just the place to go.” Aiden said and got up, swaying as his vision blurred from both the sudden movement and the alcohol polluting his blood.

They both took a while to get ready, washing their faces and putting on their coats so they could go back outside into the darkness of the night to walk to the tattoo studio Aiden worked at, the one right above Larry’s bar.

They held onto each other all the way there because their steps were fairly unsteady because by now, both of them were quite drunk, words slurring heavily during their conversation.

You could probably say it was luck that Aiden even found the studio with his vision not exactly sharp anymore but fact is, he did find it and together, they stumbled up the stairs to enter the small entrance area where his colleague Jayden looked up from the computer she was sitting on so she could check who’d just come in, her eyes widening as she recognized Aiden.

“Hey, Aiden… what can I do for you?” She asked and got up, straightening out her dress shirt that was tucked into high-waisted blue jeans that fell loosely along her legs.

Aiden saw rings glisten on her fingers as she did so before he looked back up.

“We wanna get tattoos. I know it’s late but… please?” He mumbled and Jay raised an eyebrow as she realized just how drunk he was from how lazy the words rolled off his tongue.

She looked at both of them for several moments and David squirmed beneath her glare but she sighed and looked back into Aiden’s eyes.

“If you were anyone else, this would not be happening but… well, I know you so… follow me, I guess.”

Aiden shot her a grin and dragged David behind him so they could enter the studio behind Jay, who started sterilizing herself while talking to them.

“So you both wanna get one?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, what is it gonna be? And where, Aiden, do you even have space left?” She asked jokingly and he chuckled, knowing that she was kind of right, he did have a lot of ink all over his skin but he knew exactly where he would put it… after he had figured out what he even wanted to be inked into his skin.

“Uhm… give us a moment to figure that out… okay?” he asked and Jay nodded with a small, knowing grin playing around her lips.

Aiden walked David over to the small couch in the corner and sat down as well, pulling his legs beneath himself and leaning back so he could meet the other man’s gaze.

“And? Did you make your mind up Dave?” He asked and the other man grinned shyly and nodded slowly.

“Yeah uhm… it’s… I guess it’s something you said a while ago… ‘Closer To The Chaos’... do you remember?”

Aiden was too shocked to react for a few seconds.

David wanted… something related to him to be inked somewhere on his body?

A weird warmth rushed through his body, making the tips of his ears and fingers tingle and his lips pulled up in a smile and he reached for the other man’s hand to take old of his fingers.

“That is an amazing idea Dave… where do you want it to go?”

The other man thought this over for a few more moments and then pointed his finger to the spot beneath his left collarbone.

Aiden followed that gesture and smiled, already picturing what it would look like on David’s beautiful tan skin.

Aiden only saw Jay out of the corner of his eye, sitting on the stool with wheels, ready to go but looking away from them because she apparently felt like it was something intimate they were talking about in this moment and Aiden felt it too, that connection that was tying him to David and the other way around.

“Okay then… you can write it and you’re good to go…” he mumbled and Jay handed him a paper and a pen.

David stared at it for a second and then said:

“You write it.”

Aiden didn’t question this any further and instead leaned off the couch so he could write on the low table in front of it, trying hard not to make it too messy or unreadable which was considerably hard when his vision didn't allow him to focus for too long and his fingers felt numb.

With his tongue sticking out from between his lips, he wrote the line onto the paper and then gave it back to Jay so she could prepare the pattern.

“I… I am nervous.” David mumbled almost inaudibly and Aiden shifted closer and took his hands between his own again, meeting his hooded gaze.

“I can get mine before you… so you can see how it works.”

The relief was mirrored in David’s orbs so strongly it made Aiden wonder if David’s ‘nervosity’ was more of a fear and if he was just too intoxicated to even think about it and so it was no surprise that David nodded.

“If you… wanna get one you… you can go first.”

Aiden grinned and Jay already handed him another paper with her eyebrows pulled up highly, disappearing beneath her bangs.

He knew she didn’t approve of spontaneous decisions about something that would be permanent but she also knew they made a lot of money off drunk students coming here in the middle of the night after a long stay at ‘Larry’s’, so she could not start excluding them now.

Aiden stared at the blank paper and after a minute or two, he handed it to David and mumbled.

“Do you remember that poem you read to me? By Pablo Neruda where I didn’t understand a word but… but it was so beautiful?”

David nodded slowly, wondering what he was saying.

“Write down your favorite line and I’ll get it tattooed… but translate it, please, I’d like to know what’s standing on my own skin.”

David leaned back and closed his eyes and, though Aiden worried for a moment that he would either pass out or fall asleep, David’s scrunched up eyebrows told him that he was thinking intently to remember the words off the top of his head

Finally, he leaned forward to start writing in his beautiful, ornamental handwriting and without saying another word, he handed it to Aiden.

there were grief and the ruins,

and you were the miracle

Aiden looked at David and nodded, unable to put the gratefulness and the subtle warmth that engulfed him into words and after staring into David’s eyes for a span of time he could not name, he turned around to Jay again, bursting the bubble of intimacy that had enclosed around them and he grinned at her.

“I’ll start.”

She nodded and gestured over to the huge seat.

“You know what to do. Where do you want it.”

Aiden chuckled as he walked over to the seat and tugged on the hem of his hoodie so he could pull it over his head.

“Let’s see where I can find a spot.”

As he cast his hoodie aside and sat down on the seat, he heard a gasp coming from David and he looked at the other man who was staring at him with his eyes wide open and Aiden started laughing under his breath because it was only know that he realized that David had never before seen any tattoos of his other that the ones on his hands and his neck.

He always wore long sleeves and never walked around the apartment without a shirt so he could understand why this must be a little shocking to David.

Aiden got back up with a grin and looked at David, who tried his hardest not to gape at him.

“You can look… that’s okay… it’s a lot to take in.” Aiden mumbled and stood still, giving the other man time to take it in.

At first, his gaze flickered around wildly before he seemed to focus again and start looking more slow, taking them in one by one.

He seemed to start with his right arm and Aiden could almost feel how his eyes slowly wandered up the ocean waves that were inked there.

Aiden knew exactly when the moment came that David discovered the fairy and the dove flying across those waves because the discovery elicited a little gasp from his lips.

Yes, Aiden thought, the little fairy side by side with the symbol of hope and peace, that had been one of the first ones he had gotten, in honor of the strength of his closest friend.

The ocean, all black except for the little, blue, christian fish swarm swimming along his veins, ended abruptly in the horizon wrapping around his elbow, maybe an inch wide and separating the water from the sky, or rather clouds, that covered his entire upper arm, the heavy dark clouds hiding rose pattern within them and that always reminded Aiden of the flowers that his parents laid down at the… the street where his brother had died.

His heart clenched at this but he forced it back down and focused on David, who’s gaze flickered over the wine red lips on the ball of his shoulder, opened slightly as if they were whispering a secret to someone nobody knew about.

Across his right chest was a dagger, pointing slightly inward as if it was aiming at his heart and bundles of thorns were wrapped around it, curling across his collarbones to the roses on his arm and over to the mold between his collarbones where a little cactus was sitting, the ink green this time and David met his gaze when he looked at it and a sadness filled his eyes that broke Aiden’s heart a little bit.

Aiden reached up with his left hand to scratch at the back of his neck as he felt as if he was standing in some sort of silent spotlight, David’s gaze examining him feeling heavy somehow.

That movement pulled David’s gaze to his left arm instead so he calmly looked at the dragon that had curled its tail around Aiden’s left wrist and lower arm while the body was on his upper arm and David scrunched his eyebrows together in an attempt to figure the mess out that was his left upper arm.

Aiden stepped closer to him and knelt down in front of the couch to make it easier for David to look at it.

Now that he was this close, David had no more difficulty recognizing what exactly this displayed.

A tree was growing from the crook of his elbow, the branches filled with leaves that, though appearing black, had a green shimmer to them; 

But that was nothing compared to the massive snake that curled around said tree, body huge and thick and David followed it with his eyes across his left chest, almost touching the cactus and then crawling back towards his shoulder where it met the gaze of the dragon, the head of which was resting on his shoulder and so, the reptiles were staring at each other.

“In case you didn’t see this…” Aiden mumbled and pointed his right finger at the red apple hanging in the tree and peeking out from between the leaves and then he drove his finger down to the hourglass that was in one of the dragon’s claws, a crooked halo hovering above it.

“The representation of the biblical sin and evil, defeating time and innocence…” David mumbled, his voice quiet and insecure as he looked up at Aiden, who nodded and, to his own surprise, he felt calm as he admitted to this.

He would have expected fear or at least a certain nervousness to take him over but… he felt safe with David.

“And here…”, Aiden mumbled and pointed at a small stretch of pale skin beneath the roots of the tree, “I have a perfect little spot for your poem.”

David grinned and then leaned back so he could examine the rest of his tattoos that stretched all across his ribs and stomach, seemingly more comfortable with looking at his body so intensely.

Aiden leaned his upper body back so David could look at the last, and biggest, of his tattoos:

A black figure in a long cloak, the hood pulled low hiding away the face but instead of a face, you could see its hands, skeleton hands, that were folded in front of its body, right above Aiden’s navel.

It was standing in front of a fire, pitch black flames licking across Aiden’s ribs all the way up to the snake and the dagger on his chest.

David stared at this massive stretch of black ink beneath his skin for a while, blinking slowly and his gaze brushing over the tattoos again and again, erecting a shiver of goosebumps wherever it settled.

Finally, David met Aiden’s gaze again and what he found were admiration and wonder as he expressed what he felt with his dark eyes only.

“You don’t have to say anything”, Aiden appeased David as the other man opened his mouth and closed it again several times, and instead turned around to sit down on the seat again, Jay waiting for him with a smile.

During the time that Aiden got his tattoo done, David did not once take his gaze off him, watching the entire procedure without any expression on his face, his eyes seeming wiped blank from all thoughts.

When it was his turn though, the nervosity came right back at him when he sat down and took his shirt off, waiting for Jay to lower the back of it, making it easier for her to access the spot above his chest.

Aiden himself let his gaze wander across David’s exposed skin and found it fascinating how clean and simple it looked, only a few moles splattered on his ribs but apart from that, it was so very unlike Aiden’s own that he could only be fascinated by it.

David didn’t make any sounds, he just bit down on his lip very hard and, at one point, grabbed Aiden’s hand and almost broke it in his clenching grip.

When they were done, Jay handed David the usual stack of paper explaining what to do and not do after being freshly tattooed, not even bothering to offer Aiden one.

David stored them in his pocket very carefully and then, they said goodbye to her and left the room again, deciding to go back home.

At least, that had been the plan when the door fell close behind them and they turned to walk back to the apartment, still heavily impacted by the alcohol but calmer now, not as filled by the intoxicating rush anymore.

They were just passing a group of three people laughing together at the corner of the street when, all of a sudden, their conversation fell quiet and a voice called out to them.

“Aiden?”

Aiden twirled around at the familiar voice and took a second look at the group, suddenly recognizing his friends.

It was Mel, Bo and Fairy standing right there, apparently on their way home as well from a night at Larry’s.

“Who’s that, Aiden?” Fairy asked, her voice quiet and, very faintly, Aiden could detect the disappointment in it, but he was too distracted with stepping in front of David to consciously notice that.

He felt attacked by that simple question, curling his body inwards defensively and lowering his head so his hair fell in front of his eyes.

He knew that David was asking himself what was going on, seen as he had never met any of Aiden’s friends because he had wanted to… to keep him for himself and now that David’s existence had been revealed, he felt as if he had been robbed of something.

“That’s David. He… lives with me. Long story.”

He forced out, giving them as little information on the other man as he could and though he was being immensely rude, he didn’t care.

Aiden felt as if he was being cornered somehow because with just one glance into his friend’s faces, he could see that they had all figured out that the man standing behind Aiden, that was half hidden by the shadow of the house next to them, that he was the reason that Aiden had been away more often that there.

That he was the reason Aiden repeatedly missed out on spending time with them, cancelling all meet-ups.

That he was the reason that Aiden had withdrawn himself more and more from their group.

Mel held his gaze for an uncomfortably long time before wrapping an arm around Fairy and gesturing for Bo to come along and without another word, the three of them passed David and him and disappeared in the alley leading to their apartment.

“What… was that?” David asked very quietly and touched Aiden’s fingers with his very carefully.

“They… they are… it doesn’t matter.” Aiden mumbled and took hold of David’s hand properly so he could pull him home.

Home where, without more words being spoken, they got ready for bed and, only looking at each other once, they slipped beneath the covers besides each other.

This very long day and even longer night had created something between them, a bond that held them together tightly and that made words a little more unnecessary than before.

These barely even 15 hours had made them become close, closer to each other and their relationship closer to something that was not within any definition anymore.

They laid by each other quietly, just listening to the other’s slow breath until David shifted and took his phone from the little bedside table, starting to type on it.

Aiden rolled onto his side and looked at his illuminated, concentrated face.

“What are you doing?” He mumbled, the effects of almost-sleep and alcohol making his question almost inaudible.

“I am fucking resigning from studying law. I don’t know what the fuck to do with my life and I don’t have a plan and I really… really don’t know what I want or why I am here but… but law is not it. I’ll… I’ll do music instead.”

And before Aiden could say anything else, David pressed ‘send’ and then turned his phone off.

“Goodnight Aiden.”

“Goodnight Dave.”


	6. Better

Aiden had forgotten what it felt like when he was alone in his apartment after all this time.

It had now been just over three months since David had moved in and, though he was at work from time to time, they usually were home at the same time by now, their schedules arranged similarly so they could see each other when they were home.

It was weird, to think that half a year ago, Aiden would have laughed in the face of anyone that would have told him that by the end of January 2007, he would be sharing his apartment, and his bed for that matter, with another person that also cooked for him, read to him and teased him in a way nobody else ever did.

But here he was, sitting around and not able to entertain himself with any of the activities that had used to bring him joy, be it reading, looking at art online or drawing on his own when David was not here, glancing at his work from time to time and humming or cooking.

Aiden hated the silence that came with David’s absence because it made him feel lonely.

But David was not here, on this very boring Saturday.

He was at university, actually, meeting one of the counselors to discuss and carry out his - spontaneous - decision to just drop out of his law studies to major in music all of a sudden.

He had been gone for quite some time now so Aiden picked his phone up to see if there were any messages from the other man, telling him he was on his way home or at least giving him an update.

There were just a few messages in the groupchat with his friends and so he scrolled through them.

Apparently, Fairy was out going grocery shopping and the other two kept on adding shit to her list which made her type back, furious about the late additions.

Aiden found himself smiling at this, grocery shopping with Fairy had always been amusing on his side as he had always trailed behind her, listening to her mutter under her breath about how people needed to stop chatting in the middle of the aisles, how she never found anything in the, as she named it, messy maze of madness that was the organized shelves.

That was until she found something that caught her interest and even when it was something trivial like a children’s book that she had had in her own childhood or something on sale like christmas sweaters.

Those she bought every year and yet she was happy about new patterns every year and she forgot about all the annoyance that was the grocery shopping itself to instead turn into a little, fascinated girl with all of her attention on that one, specific object.

Aiden remembered that with a smile and suddenly developed the urge to go to his friend’s apartment to ask her about her shopping trip, to nag her about extra stuff she had spontaneously bought and… to hang out with his friends after quite the time of not seeing them.

He had not hung out with them since that night in January where they had seen, or caught, him with David, extremely drunk and freshly tattooed as they had been and where he had been repulsive and cold.

He waited for regret to cloud his memory but… it didn’t come over him which made him feel bad for caring so little over being rude to the people that had always,  _ always  _ been there for him no matter what for such a long time now.

That thought made him want to go over even more badly so he did get up and put on a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved flannel over his short tshirt which he had come around to wearing after David had insisted on it.

Probably so he could look at his inked skin as much as he liked but Aiden didn’t care, because at least he knew that David looking at his tattoos was not meant to be judgemental or criticizing but rather out of fascination and maybe a little bit of admiration, too. 

Aiden wrote David a short note as well as a message on his phone before he locked the apartment and started walking to his friend’s place, which was not far away at all.

He was a little bit nervous about this though he shouldn’t be, it was his friends after all, his safe little group where it was okay to be him.

Nevertheless, he smoked all the way to their apartment to calm his nerves and he breathed in deeply before pressing the little sign with impossibly small letters crammed onto the paper slip to inform the person in front of the house who’s apartment they were ringing the doorbell for.

Even though he had seen it many times before, he still smiled at Bo’s perfect handwriting and the way all three names fit onto the sign.

Charlotte Nilsson, Bo Leicester and Mel Chess.

The interphone speaker cracked and he heard Mel’s voice:

“Who is it?”

Aiden cleared his throat and though he knew Mel couldn’t see it, he grinned and said:

“It’s me. Let me in?”

There was a horrible, short silence in which he just heard the static of the old speaker system and for a horrifying, heart-dropping moment he thought that Mel would not let him in, the thought sending a cold wave of shock over him before he heard Mel’s voice say:

“Sure thing, Aiden, come up.”

The door buzzed and Aiden leaned against it, letting himself in and starting to walk up the stairs to the second story, where his friend’s apartment was located.

Mel waited for him at the door and let him into the apartment with a grin, hand patting Aiden’s back as he walked inside.

“Nice to see you, Aiden, it's been a while.”

Aiden mumbled something in agreement and for a second, he felt like an intruder to their space but he fought that icky feeling down and sat down on the couch, finding the apartment to still look like it always had.

From where he was sitting, the apartment door was to his right side and the wall he was facing right now had two doors leading into the two bedrooms the apartment had, a TV hanging between them.

The kitchen and bathroom door were to his left, right across from the entrance and in this moment, Bo looked through the opened kitchen door and, with pulled up eyebrows, said:

“Oh, Aiden, hi! Uhm… we are ordering Thai right now, you want some?”

“Yeah, that’d be great”, Aiden responded and got back up again, passing Mel who picked the vacuum back up and finished cleaning while Aiden looked at the menu and decided on a simple noodle meal.

It felt kind of odd, being here again after all this time and it was as if he were a visitor of some kind, as if he did not entirely belong into this environment.

He wanted the stiff atmosphere to go away while he was with his friends and he hoped that the feeling would pass if he only was here a little longer.

Just as their delivery person was supposed to arrive, they all heard keys turn in the lock and simultaneously twisted their heads as they were sitting on the couch.

The door opened and Fairy walked inside, countless bags dangling from her arms and hands as she maneuvered herself inside, huffing as she kicked the door close with her foot.

“You know what Mel, next time you go looking for your stupi- oh!”

Fairy spotted him sitting on the couch with a coke bottle in his hand and after a moment of staring at him in what seemed to be disbelief, she hurried to put all of the bags on the floor and rush towards him, throwing herself onto his lap and her arms around his neck, cuddling herself close to him.

“What do we owe the honor of you paying us a visit, huh?” She asked, face buried in his neck.

Aiden wrapped her arms around her back and held her just as close, having missed feeling her small body pressed up against his so perfectly.

“Nothing’s really up, I just wanted to come over again.” He mumbled and she lifted her head and grinned at him, her eyes gleaming in the ceiling light, filled with mischief.

“That’s just about perfect, I played video games throughout the entire semester break so I can finally kick your ass.”

Aiden laughed, throwing his head back.

Fairy, as tough and sassy as she was, had never been able to equal his skills at playing video games which had, of course, nagged her incredibly because she usually found a way to be better than him.

“We can see that… after eating. We ordered Thai and it should be delivered any second from now.” He mumbled so Fairy got up and moved to put away her groceries and Aiden quickly got up to go and help her.

The delivery person came while they were in the middle of restocking the fridge and suddenly, all four of them were crammed in the small kitchen, Bo and Mel moving around to put their food on plates and Fairy and Aiden putting away the food she had bought.

Strangely enough, they moved around each other perfectly, bodies moving past each other smoothly and easily because after having spent several years with each other, they just worked so well around each other.

Finally, all four of them were crammed on the couch and ate the hot, greasy food while slowly falling into a conversation and Aiden felt content, felt like it was all normal again, just the four of them spending time together, joking, laughing… hadn’t there been the constant thought if David was home yet and if he would feel as alone as he had this morning.

Aiden tried not to let that distract him though, especially when Fairy all but ripped his plate from his hands as soon as he was finished eating to put their dishes away so she could finally ‘kick his ass’ with her new gaming skills.

For the sake of having more space, and also because she loved to do so, Fairy took a seat right on his lap, leaning back against his shoulder and the corner of the couch so she could play in a comfortable position.

The four of them played a couple of rounds and Aiden had to admit that Fairy had indeed gotten a lot better, he had to fight hard in order not to lose and in their last game, she defeated him, maybe only due to the reason she had sat up and blocked his view for a few moments but nevertheless, she won.

She pumped her fist triumphantly and twisted so she could look at him with the widest grin ever, pulling - cute - faces at him.

Aiden quietly let her tease him and just grinned back until the sounds of the TV stopped and he saw that Mel had muted the game, turning to look at him.

“Aiden?”

“Yeah?” He asked and turned sideways, putting his controller on the armrest so he could loosely lay one arm around Fairy’s waist and look at Mel at the same time.

“So… we’ve been wondering… who is that David person you were with three weeks ago, you know, you never mentioned him.”

Aiden felt all subtle joy about them hanging out fall from him like a mask dropping from his face.

The corners of his lips pulled down from his smile and instead turned upside down to form a scowl.

“What about him? I told you, he lives with me.” He said defensively, his voice having lowered in volume.

Fairy now wiggled off his lap to squeeze herself into the small gap between him and Bo so she could look at him as well.

“We just… wanted to know, maybe, if you wanna tell us why… that is so.”

Bo explained, very careful and seeming to weigh every word while speaking.

Aiden felt his chest tighten and he started to feel on edge, as if he was starting to be cornered and there was not going to be a way out of this situation and conversation.

“Is this going to be an interrogation about my choices now?”

There was a short moment where nobody said anything so he groaned and spoke up himself.

“He didn’t have a place to stay back… back in October so I let him move in and he’s been there ever since. There’s nothing more to it than that.” He told them, hoping that if he just said the least amount he could, they would let it go.

But instead, the three of them looked at each other and then back in him, weirdly in sync as they did so.

“How do you know him… like… nobody randomly moves in with you… right?” 

Fairy asked and carefully laid her small hand on his, probably trying to take it but he didn’t move a finger.

He just watched her small movement without an expression on his face and then he looked her back into the eyes, answering very reluctantly.

“You guys have seen him before… he was the lead singer of ‘Ocean’s Drop… until they disbanded.”

Bo muttered an agreement but then turned to look back at him and speak up, still sounding very careful as to not anger him further.

“But still… how did that moving thing happen… you never talked to him before… right?”

Aiden scrunched his eyebrows together and tilted his head to the side so he didn't have to directly face his friend’s piercing gazes anymore.

“It was a coincidence… but honestly guys, where are you going with this? Why does he matter?”

That question shushed them all and again, they all just looked at each other and then back at him.

“Because you’ve… become weird since… since that happened. Since  _ he  _ happened.”

Aiden shot up from the couch, Fairy’s hand falling from his leg and onto the couch, looking empty and lonely but Aiden was too hectic to really notice that.

He felt attacked by his friends questions, interrogating him about something that was none of their business and he hated that they wanted to force him to share David, that they wanted to pry information from him that was his to keep and that they seemed to be unable to understand that there was a line they shouldn’t cross.

When did they stop understanding him?

“So that’s what it is, huh?” He snapped and crossed his arms in front of his chest, hands curled into tight fists.

“I have someone apart from you and you accuse me of being weird? He doesn’t make me weird, he is just… there for me.”

He missed how Fairy flinched at that and instead kept going, words tumbling from his shaking lips as his mind was wiped blank from all rational thoughts.

“All he does is live with me. We live together normally, just two people sharing an apartment. He… he balances me out, he drinks with me and… and he is there when… when I am not fine and he… he  _ listens  _ to me and he fills some kind of gap that was there. I don’t fucking know why it’s him… but it is. I can depend on him and… and when… when he is there I feel like I don’t need a thing in the world other than him.”

He stared at them and the silence that wrapped around them was deafening… feeling final in some way.

Fairy had turned away from him and instead had buried her head in Bo’s neck, her small body shaking almost invisibly, which Aiden didn’t notice because he was breathing too hard and his vision was blurred.

It took him a few seconds to realize that his orbs were swimming in tears… he just didn't know why.

… Until he met Mel’s gaze that was fixed onto him, ice cold and strong; this gaze made him halt for a second and it was only now that the realization of what he had just said hit him and he gasped quietly.

He had just told his friends he didn’t need them.

That he had replaced them.

He was horrified by himself but the anger, and when Mel got up and reached out to him in an attempt to calm him down, he ripped his hand away and flinched back, eyes ripped open widely as he was trying to sort out the mess and thunderstorm of emotions inside of him but he lost to them, got overwhelmed by them and the longer he stood there, facing Mel with his other two friends on the couch, not paying him attention anymore, he felt a distance between them.

As if he had been cut off and shifted away from their… their world, as if he was no longer a part of theirs but was instead caught in his own.

He closed his lips and swallowed a few times, blinking rapidly in order to chase the tears away.

“He makes you lose control, Aiden… that’s what it is.”

Mel said, speaking very quiet and… defeated, because they all knew that Aiden  _ never  _ lost control.

“I… I should go now.”

Aiden stammered and slowly turned to walk out of his friend’s apartment door, the metal knob feeling weird beneath his fingers, as if he had lost the ability to feel real sensations.

He stared straight ahead and didn’t turn around when he pulled the door shut.

It felt final.

Aiden had only walked down a couple of steps when he heard the door open again and he turned around to see Fairy walk out of it, closing the door behind herself again.

She slowly walked down to the step above him so she could look him into the eyes.

Though they were on the same height right now, she looked so small and young in her huge shirt and leggings, her bare feet probably freezing on the cold concrete floor.

He could see the disappointment in her round eyes, how sad they looked at him and, because he knew her better than himself, he knew that she realized a lot more than she should have.

Knew that she didn’t even have to ask him, she just realized that he must have told David about Danny and what that meant… realized that the distance between them could not be closed again.

There was a gap and she seemed to be very aware of the fact that he could not come back.

And he could see that it broke her heart in tiny, sharp pieces.

“How much does he know, Aiden?” She asked softly, her strong voice sounding vulnerable as it echoed in the hallway.

“Everything. He… he prayed for me… at… at the… grave.”

Fairy just nodded, taking this information in, her hands hanging by her sides uselessly but her fingers twitching, as if she would rather bury them in his hair or lay them around his neck or slide them between his.

But she didn’t.

“I wish you all the best, Aiden…” She whispered, tears quietly rolling from her eyes and dropping from her chin.

“Just… remember that I,  _ Fairy _ , owe you everything… I love you.”

And with that, she turned around and walked back into the apartment, the door closing with an echoing ‘click’.

Aiden turned around and walked down the stairs.

By the time he arrived back at his own apartment, the shock had worn off and he walked through the door with a small smile, feeling warm as he came home to David.

David, who was sitting on the floor by the coffee table, a pen between his fingers while he chewed on it, eyes fixed on a paper laying before him.

“Leave your coat on, we very urgently need to buy groceries and other stuff and it’s definitely your turn to do so.” He said without looking up so Aiden left his coat and shoes on and dropped down next to him to read the list.

  * whiskey
  * Vodka
  * tea (lots, black!)
  * cigarettes
  * coffee beans
  * noodles
  * eggs
  * cheese
  * veggie mixes
  * cacti
  * pillows
  * pringles
  * clementines
  * gum



“Do we really need more cacti?”

“Yes.”

“And more clementines?”

“Also yes.”

“And-”

“Aiden, I put all of it on there for a reason. I don’t even understand how you still live, you didn’t put anything edible on your version of this list.” David complained with a grin on his face.

“Coffee black and strong substitutes for all meals.” Aiden mumbled but grabbed the paper and got up before David could see the blush creeping onto his cheeks.

“Wait, before you go…” David called out and Aiden turned around at the door and tilted his head, signalling the other man that he was listening.

“Your note said you went over to your friend’s apartment. How was that?” He asked and Aiden scowled again, only feeling annoyance now that he thought about it.

“It was cool until they started like… nagging me and asking me all those dumb ass questions and… then I just left…”

Aiden thought for another moment and then looked David back into the eyes.

“I guess now we both lost those three people that we thought would stay with us, huh?” He asked and though David bit down on his lip, the wound of his bandmates abandoning him apparently still stinging but after a couple of seconds, he nodded in agreement and then smiled.

“I guess so. Lucky we still have each other, huh?” He mumbled and Aiden nodded, deciding to repeat what he had told his friends just a bit earlier.

“When… no,  _ as long _ as you are there I feel like… like I don’t need a thing in the world other than you.”

David’s smile widened at this and he got up from the floor again.

“Likewise, Aiden. But now go, I need some of that stuff if you wanna have dinner.”

Aiden grinned and left to buy everything on their list, pushing the thought away that, just a couple of hours earlier, Fairy had walked around in these aisles in an attempt to find everything they had needed.

When he got back, David started making omelettes for them while Aiden leaned against the fridge and watched him do so, the discomfort he had felt at first when he seen David cooking just as Danny always had having disappeared, replaced by a warmth because now, David was here to fill the gap and be there for him.

He made himself a coffee while he was standing there, earning a disdainful look from the other man.

“What?” He asked and took a sip of the wonderful black liquid.

“You know, I usually don’t say anything but you do tempt me to mention certain things.” David mumbled and focused on flipping the omelette over.

“Like what?” Aiden asked back and looked at the other man over the brim of his mug.

“Like yesterday, I was really about to say something like… ‘That’s your 6th black coffee of today and it’s only 4pm, don’t you always complain about getting no sleep?’and there are  _ many  _ more I could come up with.” David explained and Aiden chuckled.

“Hit me, Dave, come on, when do you wanna call me out like that?”

David turned his head and looked at him with a smug grin.

“You really wanna know, huh?”

“Uhuh.”

“Okay,let me think… Oh, like last weekend. Bro, I  _ heard  _ you fucking  _ vacuuming  _ at 4 in the morning, when did you even go to sleep that night?”

Aiden started laughing and David rolled his eyes.

“Did you even go to sleep? Wait, no, don’t answer that, I don’t wanna know. Talking of, with whom are you in a competition? Like… is it something where you wanna see who can make the fucking shadows beneath their eyes more notoriously huge and dark the fastest?”

“Oh shut the fuck up”, Aiden laughed and playfully wrapped one arm around David’s neck, the other one sneaking around his torso so he could rest his head on his slim shoulder.

He suddenly noticed that this was actually a difference between David and his brother, who had been built stronger and broader.

But he cast that thought aside and instead blew breath against David’s ear who squirmed in his hold.

“Stop! I only have one more, okay?”

“Okay.” Aiden chuckled.

“Your cigarettes… just because you try to hide them from me doesn’t mean I don’t notice how much you actually smoke.”

Aiden released David so he could dump their dinner onto two plates and carry them to the coffee table.

“Okay mum, I will reflect on my bad habits…”

“... but not change them? I’d guessed so.” David concluded and sat down.

“Well, whatever, now eat and drink your horrible coffee, may you lay awake at night, envying me for my beautiful, perfect sleep.”


End file.
